Up late tonight - found myself incapable of functioning in the light of day and so am reverting to my night owl ways. I find it hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was saying how great I was doing depression-wise, in spite of the deaths and sadness of the past few months. The past few days everything has caught up with me and I've simply been flattened. Add the worst cramps I've had since high school and nasty allergies and I've been incapable of pulling myself up off the couch. I want to lose myself in sleep. I think of what I need to do and it feels like mountain climbing. Joseph Campbell would ask "are you following your bliss?" and I would say I'm not even certain where my bliss is.
Isn't it odd - the dogs just started barking and I went down to see what the problem was. I turned on the light to the back porch and stared at a doe, not a foot away through the sliding glass door. She didn't seem particularly afraid - just wary as she wandered off into the woods. Physical manifestation of my bliss, wondering off without me? Nature comes at you in strange ways. And I'll take hope from any source I can right now. What is my bliss? Is it writing? Is it simply creating - whether that be through writing, gardening, home improvement, graphic design? Am I simply being lazy or is there something to this flattening, something I need to work through before my motivation and brain and body can all work together again?
I don't deal well with disappointment. I had my plans for this summer. This would be the summer of the novels, summer I get into editing and finish one or two of my unfinished prose. I need to find a way to ignore that the MIL is coming and that B has done so little to help clean and maintain that he should be ashamed but instead seems to think I should be grateful for a pittance. It is his mother - if he wants the house clean for her, he needs to do it himself. I need to get back to editing and writing my fiction. If that is what I had planned than that is what needs to happen and screw the people who see me as their maid with benefits. Screw the people who hold me back because it isn't convenient for them to have me working and following my own bliss.
Monday, June 04, 2007
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2 comments:
You said it. Screw the people who are inconvenienced by you following your bliss.
Would you like to follow bliss to Molly Woos with me on Friday?
Molly Woos on Friday really would be bliss! I certainly would!
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