All they talk about is sports. It is hideous. It is horrendous. The MIL literally pays attention to nothing but sports. And talks with B. incessantly about them when he is home. When we talk about news, she says "I don’t like to think about that stuff. It is too upsetting," and wants us not to talk about "stuff" when she is around. We tried to watch some of our netfix movies last night, after 9 full hours of sports (you think I'm exaggerating - I'm not). One was too upsetting, and two were foreign and had subtitles which she declared she just can’t follow. She sat and stared at us until Brian suggested she go downstairs and watch her college baseball while we watched a movie, then seemed a little miffed. It is the first time she has been down the stairs since she arrived.
This morning she went into the bathroom, came back out and said, "There's a moth in the sink." She smiled her vacuous smile at us as both of us looked up from the paper and then looked at each other. When we made no move, she repeated "It's in the sink, but then it flew beside the sink." Brian just stared blankly back at her, but I got up and removed the silly thing just so I wouldn't waste another fifteen minutes of my life having her standing there with that vague, vacuous smile on her face. When I got back to the table, B's shoulders were hunched and I could tell he was mortified that I had to do something so stupid. His mom just went in the bathroom and closed the door. I then went downstairs and removed yet another snake Phoebe brought in.
The MIL has almost an obsession with not being bothered. Any type of stress makes her fuss. Her selfish obsession with throwing all her burdens on everyone else so she doesn't feel stress borders on a mental disorder. I've read about mental disorders where the person cannot think outside themselves, that only things that matter to them are interesting. She isn't quite there - but she is incredibly self-centric and has zero compassion outside of herself. She doesn't even seem to understand that being taken care of and not concerning herself with reality is a burden to others and not her god-given right.
And they are upstairs talking sports once again. She has yet to put a single bowl in the dishwasher, she disappears into her room before and after dinner and she has just drank a 5-gallon container of bottled water in two days. It usually takes us a week and a half to empty those. B. confided that at home she drinks four pitchers of water a day.
To top it all, my least favorite cat, Lisa, seems to be sick. She isn't eating like she should and seems a little hot. So I'm going to have to put off my trip to my Moms tomorrow if she hasn't gotten better, to take her to the vets. I feel like I'm living in an insane asylum and it has only been four days.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
And another thing
The MIL plays the TV at very loud levels. I have the downstairs door closed and I can hear it. To compare: when I have the downstairs door closed, I can't hear the phone ring. And I have the ringer up at its highest volume.
Really, really bad mood. I can't stand having to make small talk in my own house. Especially not during the day, when I am trying to get things done. I can do it at night, when there isn't weed eating, mowing, weeding or other home maintenance things to do. But I am not going to stop every few minutes to idly chit-chat. I don't do chit-chat. I don't want to talk about what a pretty fucking day it is - I want to get out in it so I can get my work done. I've never done small talk - never. If you aren't going to say something interesting, go away. It is why I avoid crowds and meetings. I don't want to be talking I want to be doing. Just glad I got out with Shameless Wednesday, otherwise I would be really climbing the walls right about now. I apologize in advance to my friends if I'm a bit snappish. It isn't you I'm irritated with - it is just spilling over into every aspect of my life.
On the plus side - Hazel is in full-paranoid dog mode. She has been erupting in full bark every fifteen or twenty minutes. I take sadistic pleasure in watching the MIL jump every time.
Really, really bad mood. I can't stand having to make small talk in my own house. Especially not during the day, when I am trying to get things done. I can do it at night, when there isn't weed eating, mowing, weeding or other home maintenance things to do. But I am not going to stop every few minutes to idly chit-chat. I don't do chit-chat. I don't want to talk about what a pretty fucking day it is - I want to get out in it so I can get my work done. I've never done small talk - never. If you aren't going to say something interesting, go away. It is why I avoid crowds and meetings. I don't want to be talking I want to be doing. Just glad I got out with Shameless Wednesday, otherwise I would be really climbing the walls right about now. I apologize in advance to my friends if I'm a bit snappish. It isn't you I'm irritated with - it is just spilling over into every aspect of my life.
On the plus side - Hazel is in full-paranoid dog mode. She has been erupting in full bark every fifteen or twenty minutes. I take sadistic pleasure in watching the MIL jump every time.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Bad planets, bad!
It seems that everyone's grandparents or parents are in the hospital. My Grandma has never left and is on her fifth bout of pneumonia. Wonder if this will be the week.
But in other news, the MIL has arrived. Which is good because I'm not one of those people who like anticipation. I don't like knowing something is going to happen weeks in advance because I have way to much time to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong. It seems she likes to make small talk in the morning. Good luck with that. And she can't close windows - had to make B. go in and do that in her bedroom. Why do you think that is? I've been trying to get in her brain to think of what fears she must have to call her son into a room and ask him to push windows closed. I would be incredibly embarrassed and ashamed if I had to do that. Does she think she'll wrench an arm or hurt her back? Somehow sprain a knee even though it is at chest level? Her psyche is a very alien place for someone who climbs on a roof to unclog gutters, lays tile, and gets rototillers for birthday presents.
My biggest question is - how much do I go along with the learned helpless act? Do I become an enabler out of politeness? Or am I permitted to let her know that I believe that she can do those small tasks she is afraid of and that I would appreciate if she would because it is not fair to ask me to take care of her when she is perfectly able-bodied. And she is you know - her body is perfectly functioning. Her weakness really is all in her mind. I have a feeling I'm going to have to sit her down at some point and very nicely let her know that these are things she can take care of and she needs to exert herself if she is ever going to have a fulfilling life. Hopefully that talk won't come until I am back from my sister's house. And preferably before July 26ht when I go in for Lasik - I am not taking care of stupid things while I recover from eye surgery.
Ugh, I hear her clomping around upstairs. I supposed I should go up and show her where the lunch items are kept.
But in other news, the MIL has arrived. Which is good because I'm not one of those people who like anticipation. I don't like knowing something is going to happen weeks in advance because I have way to much time to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong. It seems she likes to make small talk in the morning. Good luck with that. And she can't close windows - had to make B. go in and do that in her bedroom. Why do you think that is? I've been trying to get in her brain to think of what fears she must have to call her son into a room and ask him to push windows closed. I would be incredibly embarrassed and ashamed if I had to do that. Does she think she'll wrench an arm or hurt her back? Somehow sprain a knee even though it is at chest level? Her psyche is a very alien place for someone who climbs on a roof to unclog gutters, lays tile, and gets rototillers for birthday presents.
My biggest question is - how much do I go along with the learned helpless act? Do I become an enabler out of politeness? Or am I permitted to let her know that I believe that she can do those small tasks she is afraid of and that I would appreciate if she would because it is not fair to ask me to take care of her when she is perfectly able-bodied. And she is you know - her body is perfectly functioning. Her weakness really is all in her mind. I have a feeling I'm going to have to sit her down at some point and very nicely let her know that these are things she can take care of and she needs to exert herself if she is ever going to have a fulfilling life. Hopefully that talk won't come until I am back from my sister's house. And preferably before July 26ht when I go in for Lasik - I am not taking care of stupid things while I recover from eye surgery.
Ugh, I hear her clomping around upstairs. I supposed I should go up and show her where the lunch items are kept.
Monday, June 18, 2007
6/18/07
I'm fighting a throat infection today. Feel downright icky. Had really nasty allergies all weekend, grass pollen is horrific right now. Would normally just power through and ignore it but the MIL coming has me depressed as well, so maybe I'll just sleep all day. B. leaves today to pick her up in Florida. We were getting in some last minute snuggling last night and he said "I don't think it'll be as bad having Mom here as you seem to think it will." Of course it won't be as bad for him - he'll get taken care of by two women each evening. And he'll only be here and awake four hours of the day.
I don't like sharing my space - I am a very territorial woman, come from a long line of territorial women. We stake a claim and will open a can of whoop-ass on anyone who attempts to influence change on it. I drove off lots of roommates and was worried as a singleton that I wouldn't be able tolerate a husband in my space. It has worked out well, partially since he doesn't try to change things or get in my way when he is here. I'm a bit of a hermit and prefer being home to anywhere else. If I don't get enough home-time I get cranky. An outside woman, moving into my realm, had better tread pretty lightly or she'll get clubbed like a baby seal. And, while she may have raised my husband, he's mine now and she'd damn well better not interfere with our relationship. That's a killin' offence where I come from.
I don't like sharing my space - I am a very territorial woman, come from a long line of territorial women. We stake a claim and will open a can of whoop-ass on anyone who attempts to influence change on it. I drove off lots of roommates and was worried as a singleton that I wouldn't be able tolerate a husband in my space. It has worked out well, partially since he doesn't try to change things or get in my way when he is here. I'm a bit of a hermit and prefer being home to anywhere else. If I don't get enough home-time I get cranky. An outside woman, moving into my realm, had better tread pretty lightly or she'll get clubbed like a baby seal. And, while she may have raised my husband, he's mine now and she'd damn well better not interfere with our relationship. That's a killin' offence where I come from.
Friday, June 15, 2007
this year
Was talking to my sister and she admitted that her husband hasn't spoke to her much in the past three or four months. He's going through one of his depression phases and gets angry at nothing - then stays angry for weeks, breaks her things, screams at her. She said it's okay, she can handle it - but that's why she's coming without him and that's why she's staying three weeks. The way she handles it reminds me of myself - I can certainly see that it is learned. When I'm most tense about something and people keep asking me about it I'll smile and say "It's okay, it'll be good, really." If they push, like on the MIL thing I'll keep smiling and say brightly "No idea how it'll work, but we'll handle it." Do it with my writing too - I get a lot of pushy people who think it is their business to know if I'll get published and how. And I smile brightly and try to convince the world that everything is perfect and I don't feel like I'm being stabbed by a thousand knives in my back and that no, I'm not holding back tears.
I also learned how unconvincing that mask is to people who actually love and know you. When I was talking to my Aunt about the MIL coming to live with us, she said "You're smiling - quit smiling. You don't have to smile for me." And I wanted my sister to stop saying it was okay and really talk about it. Because she didn't fool me - she really is hurting. But that's part of what we learned from Dad (and Mom, if I think about it) - no tears, be tough, power through it, don't show how you ever feel. Don' ever show a weakness, like being sick or being sad.
It was funny though, we were talking about the MIL coming and she said "the bad part is, because she's a widow you can't even talk about how awful it is that she's taking over your life -people think you're terrible if you do." and I had to smile and tell her about my snarky group of friends who haven't forced me, for even a minute, pretend this is going to be easy and that I have to be nice about it. My old christian friends would go on and on about what a blessing it will be, and charity and deny my feelings. My snarky friends understand that sinking feeling I got when I received my first mail from the MIL (a notice from the post office forwarding mail). Btw, I opened it and found out her mail is forwarded to us until October 1st. Looks like she is staying through September, as I suspected.
I also learned how unconvincing that mask is to people who actually love and know you. When I was talking to my Aunt about the MIL coming to live with us, she said "You're smiling - quit smiling. You don't have to smile for me." And I wanted my sister to stop saying it was okay and really talk about it. Because she didn't fool me - she really is hurting. But that's part of what we learned from Dad (and Mom, if I think about it) - no tears, be tough, power through it, don't show how you ever feel. Don' ever show a weakness, like being sick or being sad.
It was funny though, we were talking about the MIL coming and she said "the bad part is, because she's a widow you can't even talk about how awful it is that she's taking over your life -people think you're terrible if you do." and I had to smile and tell her about my snarky group of friends who haven't forced me, for even a minute, pretend this is going to be easy and that I have to be nice about it. My old christian friends would go on and on about what a blessing it will be, and charity and deny my feelings. My snarky friends understand that sinking feeling I got when I received my first mail from the MIL (a notice from the post office forwarding mail). Btw, I opened it and found out her mail is forwarded to us until October 1st. Looks like she is staying through September, as I suspected.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
what next?
Was walking beside the corner of the couch and stepped in something sticky. Realized that it was an almost dry puddle of urine. On the hardwood floor. Aslan must have done it sometime yesterday when I was running errands. So now it is between the cracks of the floor and really there's nothing you can do to get it out. Don't want to put more moisture there, just have to soak up what is on top. It was also on the couch - at a height that condemns our one male dog. At that moment, if I had owned a gun I would have taken him into the woods and shot him, just to get rid of one more thing I have to be upset about. Really. It is difficult enough cleaning it off the pergo floor when he decides he doesn't want to hold it - but our hickory flooring is sacred. He jumps gates, even gates set in the middle of stairs, so I haven't been able to keep him in the downstairs room while we are gone. Reason did take over and I ran to the pet store and bought a large crate where he will reside while we are gone and at night. I've never been a proponent of crate training, but if the choice is between a crate and putting the dog to sleep (which it is) I will stick him in a crate. B is going to totally flip.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Decisions
Lasik or Implantable Contact Lenses (ICLs). That is the decision before me, and a good one to be able to make. But how to decide? I'm obsessing over this to the point that I think if I make the wrong decision I will regret it the rest of my life! How terribly dramatic of me. Lasik has 25 years of testing and long term studies behind it - it has been perfected so that with computer assisted it is at the very top of its technology and knowledge. But once you do it, there is no going back. The rate typical for 20/20 vision is 87%, the rate for 20/40 vision (still able to drive without glasses) is 99.5%.
ICLs have just ten years of testing and were just approved for general use in 2004. But if something goes wrong, they can take them out and your eye will supposedly heal itself. No cutting off of corneal tissue, just an implant like you get for cataracts. However, there really isn't a knowledge what happens to the eye long-term (though cataract surgury has shown little problems over the past 20 years). The typical rate for 20/20 vision is 59%, the rate for 20/40 is 95% - but my eye doctor said he had almost 100% rate of 20/20 vision in his clinic for this procedure. He was really pushing this. But it is also $2,000 more than the computer-assisted Lasik.
But I'm worried about the newer technology. Do I really want to be one of the first? My brother's eyes are great, but he had them done with the old surgical method they no longer recommend. The eye doctor said either way would be great for me, but I hate having the choice, because if I pick one and it ends up terrible I'll always regret not picking the other. I am frozen with indecision.
The Mother-in-law arrives in just one week. Perhaps that is the reason I am frozen. I just want to lay on the couch and sleep until September or October. And she hasn't even arrived yet! I have an entire house to clean by myself (B is gone all week and then leaves to get his mother) but I lack the energy to do anything about it. I had a dream last night that I walked into my house after massage day and found her sitting on the couch surrounded by all six of my pets, all dead, and she had the knife she killed them with. She had a dead Bart bleeding on her lap and was petting him and said "It's okay, they're much easier to take care of this way." Woke up after that and didn't bother going back to sleep. First time I've seen the sun rise in years. Tells you just how much fun my psyche thinks this visit is going to be.
ICLs have just ten years of testing and were just approved for general use in 2004. But if something goes wrong, they can take them out and your eye will supposedly heal itself. No cutting off of corneal tissue, just an implant like you get for cataracts. However, there really isn't a knowledge what happens to the eye long-term (though cataract surgury has shown little problems over the past 20 years). The typical rate for 20/20 vision is 59%, the rate for 20/40 is 95% - but my eye doctor said he had almost 100% rate of 20/20 vision in his clinic for this procedure. He was really pushing this. But it is also $2,000 more than the computer-assisted Lasik.
But I'm worried about the newer technology. Do I really want to be one of the first? My brother's eyes are great, but he had them done with the old surgical method they no longer recommend. The eye doctor said either way would be great for me, but I hate having the choice, because if I pick one and it ends up terrible I'll always regret not picking the other. I am frozen with indecision.
The Mother-in-law arrives in just one week. Perhaps that is the reason I am frozen. I just want to lay on the couch and sleep until September or October. And she hasn't even arrived yet! I have an entire house to clean by myself (B is gone all week and then leaves to get his mother) but I lack the energy to do anything about it. I had a dream last night that I walked into my house after massage day and found her sitting on the couch surrounded by all six of my pets, all dead, and she had the knife she killed them with. She had a dead Bart bleeding on her lap and was petting him and said "It's okay, they're much easier to take care of this way." Woke up after that and didn't bother going back to sleep. First time I've seen the sun rise in years. Tells you just how much fun my psyche thinks this visit is going to be.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Flattened
Up late tonight - found myself incapable of functioning in the light of day and so am reverting to my night owl ways. I find it hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was saying how great I was doing depression-wise, in spite of the deaths and sadness of the past few months. The past few days everything has caught up with me and I've simply been flattened. Add the worst cramps I've had since high school and nasty allergies and I've been incapable of pulling myself up off the couch. I want to lose myself in sleep. I think of what I need to do and it feels like mountain climbing. Joseph Campbell would ask "are you following your bliss?" and I would say I'm not even certain where my bliss is.
Isn't it odd - the dogs just started barking and I went down to see what the problem was. I turned on the light to the back porch and stared at a doe, not a foot away through the sliding glass door. She didn't seem particularly afraid - just wary as she wandered off into the woods. Physical manifestation of my bliss, wondering off without me? Nature comes at you in strange ways. And I'll take hope from any source I can right now. What is my bliss? Is it writing? Is it simply creating - whether that be through writing, gardening, home improvement, graphic design? Am I simply being lazy or is there something to this flattening, something I need to work through before my motivation and brain and body can all work together again?
I don't deal well with disappointment. I had my plans for this summer. This would be the summer of the novels, summer I get into editing and finish one or two of my unfinished prose. I need to find a way to ignore that the MIL is coming and that B has done so little to help clean and maintain that he should be ashamed but instead seems to think I should be grateful for a pittance. It is his mother - if he wants the house clean for her, he needs to do it himself. I need to get back to editing and writing my fiction. If that is what I had planned than that is what needs to happen and screw the people who see me as their maid with benefits. Screw the people who hold me back because it isn't convenient for them to have me working and following my own bliss.
Isn't it odd - the dogs just started barking and I went down to see what the problem was. I turned on the light to the back porch and stared at a doe, not a foot away through the sliding glass door. She didn't seem particularly afraid - just wary as she wandered off into the woods. Physical manifestation of my bliss, wondering off without me? Nature comes at you in strange ways. And I'll take hope from any source I can right now. What is my bliss? Is it writing? Is it simply creating - whether that be through writing, gardening, home improvement, graphic design? Am I simply being lazy or is there something to this flattening, something I need to work through before my motivation and brain and body can all work together again?
I don't deal well with disappointment. I had my plans for this summer. This would be the summer of the novels, summer I get into editing and finish one or two of my unfinished prose. I need to find a way to ignore that the MIL is coming and that B has done so little to help clean and maintain that he should be ashamed but instead seems to think I should be grateful for a pittance. It is his mother - if he wants the house clean for her, he needs to do it himself. I need to get back to editing and writing my fiction. If that is what I had planned than that is what needs to happen and screw the people who see me as their maid with benefits. Screw the people who hold me back because it isn't convenient for them to have me working and following my own bliss.
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