Thanksgiving went better than expected - we simply avoided any mention of Grandpa and avoided as much as possible thinking about what we were missing. Sometimes the best thing to do with a wound is to not poke it - to just let it heal to the point that the pain is tolerable.
I am angry about a fight over the weekend. Or rather, that a fight was picked with me over the weekend so that someone else could get what they wanted and I could get the blame. It is a cycle that has been repeated over and over with myself as the scapegoat and I think it no longer has a place in my life. It is hard to step away from a family member, even one who constantly bring up painful memories and failings from childhood (always in the name of being "funny" of course). It is hard to break the patterns of childhood, hard to interrupt the vicious cycle when one person wants to keep it going. Sometimes it is simply better to sever the relationship with the person, not letting them get close enough to induce their poison. I am miserable and hurt and angry, even a day after the event. It is tied with the hero worship I had as a kid, I'm sure. It is time to step away from a relationship that has spiraled into pain for me whenever we meet. I hold hope that in the future there will be a place where we can meet as adults and learn new ways of enjoying each other.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
The Holidays
The holiday season is upon us and I wish it were not. I keep denying to myself that tomorrow is Thanksgiving - which is a problem since I still need to do some baking. There are more people missing around our dinner table, more evidence of the changes and shifts that families go through when loved ones die. This is from Grandpa's eulogy, posted in February after he died:
"Eat up girl, you're too thin," you'd say as you piled yet another helping on your plate at Thanksgiving. How could I eat up when I'd just been down in the basement "helping" you carve the turkey? You slipped me the best of the turkey whispering delightedly "Now don't tell your Grandma." We'd go upstairs and you would preside over the dinner table in your red flannel shirt, beaming with pleasure at the heaping platters and plates and urging everyone to eat as much as you did - though none of us could keep up.
And that has always been Thanksgiving to me. Dinner was at Grandma's, then at Mom's when Grandma could no longer cook for so many. Grandpa was always carving the bird and sneaking me the best pieces. Grandma would swat him. Aunt Nancy would sneak us candy. Then Grandpa'd pile a plate high, so that he was still eating long after the rest of us were done - but we'd stay at the table just to watch him go for seconds and then for dessert as he bantered and protested that we were too thin and needed to eat more. Now, in five short years, Grandma, Aunt Nancy and Grandpa are all dead. Brian's Mom is facing her first holiday alone.
I'd really just like to ignore the holidays this year. I guess my sister's arrival with the kids at Christmas will make it more festive and less like a big empty loss.
"Eat up girl, you're too thin," you'd say as you piled yet another helping on your plate at Thanksgiving. How could I eat up when I'd just been down in the basement "helping" you carve the turkey? You slipped me the best of the turkey whispering delightedly "Now don't tell your Grandma." We'd go upstairs and you would preside over the dinner table in your red flannel shirt, beaming with pleasure at the heaping platters and plates and urging everyone to eat as much as you did - though none of us could keep up.
And that has always been Thanksgiving to me. Dinner was at Grandma's, then at Mom's when Grandma could no longer cook for so many. Grandpa was always carving the bird and sneaking me the best pieces. Grandma would swat him. Aunt Nancy would sneak us candy. Then Grandpa'd pile a plate high, so that he was still eating long after the rest of us were done - but we'd stay at the table just to watch him go for seconds and then for dessert as he bantered and protested that we were too thin and needed to eat more. Now, in five short years, Grandma, Aunt Nancy and Grandpa are all dead. Brian's Mom is facing her first holiday alone.
I'd really just like to ignore the holidays this year. I guess my sister's arrival with the kids at Christmas will make it more festive and less like a big empty loss.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Feeling okay, but...
The furnace is out again. Have a call in to the repairman but he hasn't called back. It just isn't coming on. I checked and there is plenty of oil in the tank and the breaker hasn't blown. There is a little red button on the furnace that says "press to reset" and I did so, but it hummed a bit and the button popped out again. Of course it happens on the first snowy day of the year. I am very ready to replace it with geothermal, which may be a headache on its own, but at least is a new original headache as opposed to the lingering oil headache.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Under the weather
ugh, don't know what it is, but feeling icky. Felt totally wiped yesterday at massage day - couldn't keep up a conversation to save my life. Feel the same today - nothing major, nothing that can be pointed at as "sick". Just really achy all over, nasty headache, feeling wiped and a little nauseous. Needed to do stuff to day, but I think I'll just lay around like a bum. Hope I didn't pass anything on to people yesterday.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Lasik Update
Had my 3 month appointment this morning. Didn't put as many eyedrops in as usual so they'd be able to see what my eyes are normally like. With severe dry eye, you don't see as well because things are blurry around the edges. Even on a bad day like today my eyes were 20/25. They said my eyes were healing very, very well and looked great. And Dr. Erdy gave me prescriptions for Restasis eyedrops that'll help in about 4-8 weeks (eek) and said I needed to take fish oil - giving me a prescription for pharmaceutical grade. Can't wait to belch that stuff all day.
It's been nice not having to think about election stuff any more. They're over - yeah! Time to start doing stuff for me and start coping with the SAD. It's been more intense this year than usual - so if you don't hear from me for a few days, don't worry. I'm just camped under the king-sized bed with a bag of Doritos unable to communicate in anything more than grunts. I tend to truly become a hermit when the depression gets really bad - I find it hard to focus on others and I really don't want to talk about my depression so I just avoid everyone. I remember some bad years where I didn't go to Christmas parties because I literally could not get off the couch and could not bear to socialize when I felt so horrible. I haven't had that bad a winter since we moved here 4 1/2 years ago - I really hope this won't be one of those winters. They're hard to survive.
It's been nice not having to think about election stuff any more. They're over - yeah! Time to start doing stuff for me and start coping with the SAD. It's been more intense this year than usual - so if you don't hear from me for a few days, don't worry. I'm just camped under the king-sized bed with a bag of Doritos unable to communicate in anything more than grunts. I tend to truly become a hermit when the depression gets really bad - I find it hard to focus on others and I really don't want to talk about my depression so I just avoid everyone. I remember some bad years where I didn't go to Christmas parties because I literally could not get off the couch and could not bear to socialize when I felt so horrible. I haven't had that bad a winter since we moved here 4 1/2 years ago - I really hope this won't be one of those winters. They're hard to survive.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
The bear
No, not Gunthor. The Library bear. Isn't he cute? He won the library levy for us last night by 120 vote margin. YEAH!!!! The other three candidates I worked for also won, but they did all their own work - I just put their ideas down on paper. The library was our baby because they were doing everything wrong and losing (four time losers) and we were able to create a message, give them the numbers, do their mailings - we were their campaign. That's a pretty good feeling.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
can't focus
Ugh, didn't think I'd be all that worried about these elections - but now I'm jumpy as a cat. I wish I hadn't voted early, just so I could feel like I was doing something electoral today. Can't focus on anything. I really hope the library levy passes. I keep thinking I should go down there to commiserate with Matt, but I really don't need anyone else to make me more jumpy. Baked a bunch of stuff earlier but now that is all done and all I'm doing is waiting. Plus it is windy and cold and just plain nasty out and the wind feels like it is just blowing through the house. Maybe I'll go hop on the treadmill to work some of this nervous energy off.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
More bad news
Well, only wrote 465 words. Got interrupted by the MIL. B's Great-uncle died yesterday. He was 93 - they got to see them one last time when they went in August. I get to tell B. when he comes home from playing music. I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Don't wanna
I don't wanna write. Don't care if if it is nanowrimo. Don't wanna write. You can't make me. It's sunny outside. It's cold inside. My tummy hurts. I've got a cramp in my left toe. My eyes are itchy. My brain isn't screwed in quite right. DON'T WANNA WRITE!!!! (so does this count toward my daily 1,666 words?)
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