Well, I've sent the novel off to Tor and to a literary agent. It has been one of the most nerve-wracking processes. Much harder for me than writing the novel was. To sum up a 450 page novel in two paragraphs for the query letter and make an agent want it from only that? Crazy. There were so many submission rules, and ways it needed to be formatted and don't forget the SASE or they won't respond at all(I addressed the darn thing, but forgot to stamp it - luckily I realized before I sent it out and corrected my mistake). I sent it to the two places that wanted not just a query letter, but a synopsis and a few chapters. I feel I have a better chance that way. I know I don't have a fantastic chance either way - it takes an average of 8 years to get a first novel published, 20-50 submissions. But I can't help but feel hopeful after all the work I've put into it. I'm ready for rejection - and will research where I want to send it next and finish up my next novel (which is a stand-alone rather than part of a series).
I'm proud that with all my insecurities, I managed to find some courage inside to face those fears and decide "well, it sure ain't getting published sitting in a drawer. Might as well send it!" Huge step for me and my writing career.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Let's not bother.
"People with opinions just go around bothering one another" Buddha
I love that quote. It's one of my favorites. It goes to the heart of anger, of hating others, of fear. I am a person of strong opinions who is trying to move into being a person with strong beliefs. I'm not entirely certain of the difference between the two but as I move into belief I'm realizing it is about security with oneself, about confidence that transcends silly arguments, about compassion for others and about acceptance and nonattachment. It's the security of listening to other's opinions and saying "Ah," without being moved to anger because they are not my own. Of not needing or even wanting other's validation and being happy in my own skin. No anger, no envy, no insecurity. Isn't that a wonderful goal?
In that line of thought, I've realized blogging is nothing like me. I have no real interest in throwing opinions at people and I am a private enough person that I don't really believe my every day life is of interest to anyone but myself and a few choice individuals. I thought to blog my spiritual journey, but have found that as I move out of opinion and into belief it has become a private, personal journey. As someone moving through I have no perspective to give and what I am living is deeply private. Maybe someday I will be up farther on the mountain and will be able to look back below at the journey and piece it together for others. But, as I am now at the base - all I can do is look up at the snowy peaks and say "wow is there a long way to go. Better get started."
I am a writer, but a writer of fiction. Of novels. Long fiction, with many plots and characters and chapters which does not translate well to blog. I write for the love of plots, of characters and of manipulating the two. At the end of it, I hope there will be an audience that will love what I've done, but I didn't write it for applause, or validation, which is why I have such a hard time getting myself to send anything out to publishers, once all the writing fun is over. Sure it would really be nice to get some money out of all that work - but now I've got other characters and other plots banging on my brain waiting to get out. So I doubt I'll be blogging on this site much until I actually force myself to send something out and want to update people on where they can buy it and have to do the dreaded self-promotion stuff.
There's a story of a pupil who went to study with a Zen Master. He tried to meditate, but he hated the chores he had to do, the footsteps of the other pupils bothered him, the cars passing by bothered him, he didn't like the food. After a week of this his Master took him to task after a group meditation. "You struggle with everything," the Master told the student "How is it the food bothers you, the sounds bother you, the chores bother you, even your mind bothers you? Doesn't it seem odd? What I want to know is when you hear a car come by, does it really come in and bother you or are you going out to bother it? Who is bothering whom?" And that is the question I would leave you with - when words and deeds supposedly irritate and bother you, do they truly assault you or do you allow yourself to be assaulted by them because of your own insecurity? After all, people with opinions just go around bothering one another.
I love that quote. It's one of my favorites. It goes to the heart of anger, of hating others, of fear. I am a person of strong opinions who is trying to move into being a person with strong beliefs. I'm not entirely certain of the difference between the two but as I move into belief I'm realizing it is about security with oneself, about confidence that transcends silly arguments, about compassion for others and about acceptance and nonattachment. It's the security of listening to other's opinions and saying "Ah," without being moved to anger because they are not my own. Of not needing or even wanting other's validation and being happy in my own skin. No anger, no envy, no insecurity. Isn't that a wonderful goal?
In that line of thought, I've realized blogging is nothing like me. I have no real interest in throwing opinions at people and I am a private enough person that I don't really believe my every day life is of interest to anyone but myself and a few choice individuals. I thought to blog my spiritual journey, but have found that as I move out of opinion and into belief it has become a private, personal journey. As someone moving through I have no perspective to give and what I am living is deeply private. Maybe someday I will be up farther on the mountain and will be able to look back below at the journey and piece it together for others. But, as I am now at the base - all I can do is look up at the snowy peaks and say "wow is there a long way to go. Better get started."
I am a writer, but a writer of fiction. Of novels. Long fiction, with many plots and characters and chapters which does not translate well to blog. I write for the love of plots, of characters and of manipulating the two. At the end of it, I hope there will be an audience that will love what I've done, but I didn't write it for applause, or validation, which is why I have such a hard time getting myself to send anything out to publishers, once all the writing fun is over. Sure it would really be nice to get some money out of all that work - but now I've got other characters and other plots banging on my brain waiting to get out. So I doubt I'll be blogging on this site much until I actually force myself to send something out and want to update people on where they can buy it and have to do the dreaded self-promotion stuff.
There's a story of a pupil who went to study with a Zen Master. He tried to meditate, but he hated the chores he had to do, the footsteps of the other pupils bothered him, the cars passing by bothered him, he didn't like the food. After a week of this his Master took him to task after a group meditation. "You struggle with everything," the Master told the student "How is it the food bothers you, the sounds bother you, the chores bother you, even your mind bothers you? Doesn't it seem odd? What I want to know is when you hear a car come by, does it really come in and bother you or are you going out to bother it? Who is bothering whom?" And that is the question I would leave you with - when words and deeds supposedly irritate and bother you, do they truly assault you or do you allow yourself to be assaulted by them because of your own insecurity? After all, people with opinions just go around bothering one another.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
The Yoga Sutras
I've started study of the Yoga Sutras. The study guide we are using is by Reverend Jaganath Carrera, and it is comprehensive. The first sixteen Sutras took 52 pages of exposition. In order to really understand and learn, I'm taking notes for about the first time since college. In my mind, the most important concepts of the first 16 involve vritti - or the way the mind makes sense of the things it experiences and how that can cause wrong understanding of the world around us, and the concept of nonattachment. Of those two - having nonattachment defined and fully explained was the most mind opening. I spent most of the night just contemplating the wonder of such a concept and making little asides to my husband.
I have class in about two hours and am excited to begin discussion. As I begin to understand and translate all this into my own experiences I'll post it. About all I was really able to wrestle with was an encompassing definition of nonattachment that in a couple sentences summarized the ten pages of explanation. I want to write more, much more about that later but here it is:
Nonattachment is the ability to relate to objects and people without the veil of our own selfish desires and needs. To fully relate and see people and things as they are, not as they relate to us. To see them without ascribing our need, desire, anger, craving, sadness to them. In many ways it is the opposite of detachment - rather than detaching from the object or person, we make a connection by seeing what it truly is for the first time.
I have class in about two hours and am excited to begin discussion. As I begin to understand and translate all this into my own experiences I'll post it. About all I was really able to wrestle with was an encompassing definition of nonattachment that in a couple sentences summarized the ten pages of explanation. I want to write more, much more about that later but here it is:
Nonattachment is the ability to relate to objects and people without the veil of our own selfish desires and needs. To fully relate and see people and things as they are, not as they relate to us. To see them without ascribing our need, desire, anger, craving, sadness to them. In many ways it is the opposite of detachment - rather than detaching from the object or person, we make a connection by seeing what it truly is for the first time.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Selfless Action
Journaling on the Bhagavad Gita
The study group on the Gita just finished. I didn’t join it until about chapter 5, but the classes I attended were fulfilling for me. It was companionable finding others who seem to be on the same path of self reflection and awakening of the spiritual. We used the translation by Eknath Easwaran - with a 60 page introduction to the entire work and a four to six page intro to each chapter. I believe his understanding and insightful comments really eased the transition from western to eastern thought.
One of the core ideals the Gita sets forth is the command to do each action without expectation of reward. "You have the right to the work, but never to the fruit of the work," Krishna tells the main character Arjuna. "Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself - without selfish attachments and alike in success and defeat."
I love Easwaran's explanation of this: "This attitude frees us completely. Whatever comes - success or failure, praise or blame, victory or defeat - we can give it our best with calm unruffled mind. Nothing can shake our courage or break our will; no setback can depress us or make us feel burned out"
This concept of selfless action goes hand in hand with the principle of non-attachment. We practice non-attachment to let go of those things that hold us and the people around us, back. Attachment to results of work, while very western and prized in our society is a failure of non-attachment. Life is a journey, which we have every control over how we act and work during the journey but no control over how or when it ends. We have every right and a duty to our own dharma to do the work we were made to do and which completes us - and the work alone needs to complete us. The results and how others receive and use the results are out of our hands and we must detach ourselves from any thought of reward or acclaim.
I'm finding much of Yoga philosophy speaks to an inner spirituality in me that is thirsting to be understood. And it feels like the philosophy that most meshes with what I believe to be true in the universe. Indeed, much of the Gita has been echoed in Cognitive Therapy, especially the "positive thoughts and actions created positive karma, negative thoughts and actions create negative karma," portions. The particular concept of selfless service, while incredibly difficult to maintain, could be an awakening for me and my writing. So much of my blocks and worries have been about how publishers will receive my work. But writing is my dharma. When I am writing, really writing, there is nothing else on my mind - I feel completed. And the Gita tells me that is enough. It tells me that working my way through query letters and a synopsis will be right work and the results of such right work are unimportant because it is the work that is important. Of course, I am lucky that my livelihood does not depend on getting published. But I know the competitive ugliness of our western society eats at my soul, and breaks down love, kindness and peace between friends and strangers. And that's enough to make me choose a different path.
The study group on the Gita just finished. I didn’t join it until about chapter 5, but the classes I attended were fulfilling for me. It was companionable finding others who seem to be on the same path of self reflection and awakening of the spiritual. We used the translation by Eknath Easwaran - with a 60 page introduction to the entire work and a four to six page intro to each chapter. I believe his understanding and insightful comments really eased the transition from western to eastern thought.
One of the core ideals the Gita sets forth is the command to do each action without expectation of reward. "You have the right to the work, but never to the fruit of the work," Krishna tells the main character Arjuna. "Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself - without selfish attachments and alike in success and defeat."
I love Easwaran's explanation of this: "This attitude frees us completely. Whatever comes - success or failure, praise or blame, victory or defeat - we can give it our best with calm unruffled mind. Nothing can shake our courage or break our will; no setback can depress us or make us feel burned out"
This concept of selfless action goes hand in hand with the principle of non-attachment. We practice non-attachment to let go of those things that hold us and the people around us, back. Attachment to results of work, while very western and prized in our society is a failure of non-attachment. Life is a journey, which we have every control over how we act and work during the journey but no control over how or when it ends. We have every right and a duty to our own dharma to do the work we were made to do and which completes us - and the work alone needs to complete us. The results and how others receive and use the results are out of our hands and we must detach ourselves from any thought of reward or acclaim.
I'm finding much of Yoga philosophy speaks to an inner spirituality in me that is thirsting to be understood. And it feels like the philosophy that most meshes with what I believe to be true in the universe. Indeed, much of the Gita has been echoed in Cognitive Therapy, especially the "positive thoughts and actions created positive karma, negative thoughts and actions create negative karma," portions. The particular concept of selfless service, while incredibly difficult to maintain, could be an awakening for me and my writing. So much of my blocks and worries have been about how publishers will receive my work. But writing is my dharma. When I am writing, really writing, there is nothing else on my mind - I feel completed. And the Gita tells me that is enough. It tells me that working my way through query letters and a synopsis will be right work and the results of such right work are unimportant because it is the work that is important. Of course, I am lucky that my livelihood does not depend on getting published. But I know the competitive ugliness of our western society eats at my soul, and breaks down love, kindness and peace between friends and strangers. And that's enough to make me choose a different path.
Monday, January 04, 2010
looking back and ahead.
Though I know "New Years" is just a construct in our own brains (every day is the start of a new year, after all) and the adoption of a new date to put on our checks - I can't help but be drawn in by the looking back and hooplah. Yeah, I know, I'm a couple days late with this. But heck - this is a start of a new year that will end Jan 4th of next year, so why not?
So, how did things go last year, and what do I want out of this year? Okay, to look at last years goals and how I did: Do more writing - not achieved during most of the year, but finished with a bang with Nanowrimo. Spend less - spent less on fun things, more on health problems. So, I guess I did get my goal - which was to spend less on online retailers. Don't permit people to railroad my emotions - did better, cut off people who constantly wanted to make me as upset and depressed as they were. Practice looking on the bright side - found out it is damned difficult to remain positive when in pain, but Yoga is helping.
Last year was difficult because of health problems, pure and simple. Mine and my pets, I guess you could say. It started out with Bart's destructive urinary problem and Chester's thyroid disease. Then I got another ovarian cyst. Bart became sick again in the spring and there were weeks of pills and pain until I put him to sleep the beginning of June. I'd been having stomach problems all along and this just made them get worse. And the doctors keep saying IBS, though the diagnosis does not fit at all. Fatigue, emotional mood swings, stomach and side pain - all at the worst times. And of course depression - I often felt this year like I just wanted to end everything, sad to say.
Then there was the MIL coming for a month in the middle of a painful period - and the marital problems that and other discourtesies during the year caused. I feel we are still recovering from that. The vacation was difficult because I was so depressed about Bart's death and the MIL coming and because of the health problems that did not allow me to get in as good a shape as I wanted.
Really, the only good I remember at all didn't come until September when we started Yoga. And I became depressed when I pulled my hamstring and couldn't do the vinyasa any more. But the yoga philosophy has been an important one to me. So, 9 months of total shit, three months of moderate good. No wonder 2009 sucked so very much.
What do I want this year?
1. Do more writing. Set lower goals in the winter that I can actually achieve (one page instead of 4 in January). Get that novel edited and sent out. Finish Seeing Shadows, start the second novel and get into Illuminators again.
2. Study more about yoga philosophy. Do more yoga and meditation to understand and really believe that everything I need is right here inside of me; which can help me stop looking to others for approval or affirmation of my worth. Become less attached others and common situations so we can all grow, and so I can accept the deaths of my pets and be able to move on.
3. Practice letting go of anger and irritation as it is happening - recognize the emotions, understand where they are coming from and still stay calm.
4. Become less goal oriented and more "journey" oriented. As stated in the Gita , you have the right to action but not to the fruits of action - you should perform without selfish attachments and be alike in success and defeat. As Gandhi put it "He who is without desire for the result and is yet wholly engrossed in the due fulfillment of the task before him is said to have renounced the fruits of his action."
And all of these are goals, not resolutions. Things to strive towards, not to try to do perfectly from the first. And I will have to put #4 to work in the striving - that striving to do these things with a whole heart is how I should act. If I fail or if I succeed - either way the journey will be worth making.
So, how did things go last year, and what do I want out of this year? Okay, to look at last years goals and how I did: Do more writing - not achieved during most of the year, but finished with a bang with Nanowrimo. Spend less - spent less on fun things, more on health problems. So, I guess I did get my goal - which was to spend less on online retailers. Don't permit people to railroad my emotions - did better, cut off people who constantly wanted to make me as upset and depressed as they were. Practice looking on the bright side - found out it is damned difficult to remain positive when in pain, but Yoga is helping.
Last year was difficult because of health problems, pure and simple. Mine and my pets, I guess you could say. It started out with Bart's destructive urinary problem and Chester's thyroid disease. Then I got another ovarian cyst. Bart became sick again in the spring and there were weeks of pills and pain until I put him to sleep the beginning of June. I'd been having stomach problems all along and this just made them get worse. And the doctors keep saying IBS, though the diagnosis does not fit at all. Fatigue, emotional mood swings, stomach and side pain - all at the worst times. And of course depression - I often felt this year like I just wanted to end everything, sad to say.
Then there was the MIL coming for a month in the middle of a painful period - and the marital problems that and other discourtesies during the year caused. I feel we are still recovering from that. The vacation was difficult because I was so depressed about Bart's death and the MIL coming and because of the health problems that did not allow me to get in as good a shape as I wanted.
Really, the only good I remember at all didn't come until September when we started Yoga. And I became depressed when I pulled my hamstring and couldn't do the vinyasa any more. But the yoga philosophy has been an important one to me. So, 9 months of total shit, three months of moderate good. No wonder 2009 sucked so very much.
What do I want this year?
1. Do more writing. Set lower goals in the winter that I can actually achieve (one page instead of 4 in January). Get that novel edited and sent out. Finish Seeing Shadows, start the second novel and get into Illuminators again.
2. Study more about yoga philosophy. Do more yoga and meditation to understand and really believe that everything I need is right here inside of me; which can help me stop looking to others for approval or affirmation of my worth. Become less attached others and common situations so we can all grow, and so I can accept the deaths of my pets and be able to move on.
3. Practice letting go of anger and irritation as it is happening - recognize the emotions, understand where they are coming from and still stay calm.
4. Become less goal oriented and more "journey" oriented. As stated in the Gita , you have the right to action but not to the fruits of action - you should perform without selfish attachments and be alike in success and defeat. As Gandhi put it "He who is without desire for the result and is yet wholly engrossed in the due fulfillment of the task before him is said to have renounced the fruits of his action."
And all of these are goals, not resolutions. Things to strive towards, not to try to do perfectly from the first. And I will have to put #4 to work in the striving - that striving to do these things with a whole heart is how I should act. If I fail or if I succeed - either way the journey will be worth making.
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