I've been told I lack self confidence, that it is what I need to stand up to others, to get my work out to publishers, to live the life I want. I've always pictured that as something external, something you get from others, that you were taught to have by getting affirmation growing up, by getting encouragement and praise at the right time. I've been trying to replace that childhood lack with my own affirmations, to build myself up to confidence - but it is a catch 22 as I have no confidence in my own affirmations.
I've been thinking about it in terms of "I am" in terms of everything I need is right here, inside of me already. That yogic imagery seems to work better for me - that what I need is to strip away the false perceptions because what I need is already here. Theres no need to build it up, there's no need to judge it, there's no need to add something because nothing is missing. I'm not missing self confidence - my self is very confidently there, waiting for me to notice it. It is already there if I get quiet, silence the voices, let it out of the cave and into the light. Its so much more peaceful an image to me - and I really like peace.
I've always thought of myself in terms of what I am lacking - self confidence, courage, assertiveness - the list goes on and on and adding all those things to my life seems so hopeless. It's such a relief to believe that I already have everything I need, inside me. Just need work to uncover it. But it's all there, already. It's like you have this piece of wilderness and you need a house because yours has been condemned and you have nowhere else to go, but you have no money and the amount of money it would take seems impossible to earn. Then someone says, "no, wait - there's a nice house in the center of the property, as a matter of fact it is the perfect house for you - you'll have to do a bit of bushwacking to get to it, and some routine maintenance once you get there - but it's there and it'll suit you perfectly no matter how long it takes to get to it." Suddenly you go from the despair of trying to obtain something you can't even see how to get, to the happiness of holding a pruning knife and trying to figure out where to dig in first to get to the home you own.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
self improvement is avidya
I just read something that twisted my little brain in knots. The concept of "self improvement" is considered a form of avidya, a form of unclear perception. In America - self improvement is king, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t want to be "better" or "get ahead" by self improvement. But in a practice where you are attempting to get to the stripped down core of who you are, self-improvement is an expression of the ego. The want to "improve" yourself is viewed lovingly by yogis, because it is often what leads people to yoga, but is a symptom of clouded perception.
This quote from T.K.V. Desikachar blows my mind "I doubt that there is anyone who really does not want to improve himself, and even if our first step springs from the desire to become better and is therefore rooted in the ego, it is still a right step because it takes us on to the first rung of the yoga ladder. Furthermore we do not stay permanently committed to this initial goal of self- improvement." The goal of bettering ourselves as something to be gotten over.
He speaks of "working on ourselves" and I am trying to shift my perceptions to understand that it is not the same as "bettering" myself - that saying I am bettering myself or improving myself is a false perception of who I am now. If everything I need is right here, inside of myself, than working on myself is digging to find that essential self; it cannot be "bettered" but I can work on sweeping away the false perceptions that keep me from coming to an understanding of that self and keep me at war with the world. It comes from a different place than our western religion. The goal of Christianity is to take our terribly imperfect selves and improve and work on them until they become something passable so we can obtain heaven. The goal of yoga, so far as I understand now, is to take the false assumptions, actions and perceptions and sweep them aside to find the pure self that is already in us so we can find peace with ourselves and the world around us.
This quote from T.K.V. Desikachar blows my mind "I doubt that there is anyone who really does not want to improve himself, and even if our first step springs from the desire to become better and is therefore rooted in the ego, it is still a right step because it takes us on to the first rung of the yoga ladder. Furthermore we do not stay permanently committed to this initial goal of self- improvement." The goal of bettering ourselves as something to be gotten over.
He speaks of "working on ourselves" and I am trying to shift my perceptions to understand that it is not the same as "bettering" myself - that saying I am bettering myself or improving myself is a false perception of who I am now. If everything I need is right here, inside of myself, than working on myself is digging to find that essential self; it cannot be "bettered" but I can work on sweeping away the false perceptions that keep me from coming to an understanding of that self and keep me at war with the world. It comes from a different place than our western religion. The goal of Christianity is to take our terribly imperfect selves and improve and work on them until they become something passable so we can obtain heaven. The goal of yoga, so far as I understand now, is to take the false assumptions, actions and perceptions and sweep them aside to find the pure self that is already in us so we can find peace with ourselves and the world around us.
Lack of perception
I'm reading more on the eight-fold tree that is yoga. I'd always thought of yoga as stretching and breathing - and figured that any type of spiritual path that went with it would be Buddhism or Hindu. But asanas (postures) and pranayama (breathing) are just the physical aspects of an eight limbed practice - they are the part of yoga that brings peace to the body so that we can focus on returning to the core of our being. I don’t know of any other religion that brings an understanding of the body and how it affects every day life into a spiritual practice.
Much of what yoga teaches, I've heard before in counseling, psychology, or even other religions. But there is often some sort of twist of thinking that makes my Western brain pause and reconsider. In Christianity you have sin and redemption and other black and white concepts - I am used to life's trials being presented in good or evil, saved or damned. It gives me pause to realize what a harsh religion I was brought up with. Yoga, so far in my reading, does not have the concept of "evil" or "sin." I might encounter it further in my reading - but those two things that to Christians cause ALL problems are not what a follower of yoga believes in. Yoga seems to see problems as internal ways of thinking as opposed to outside influences (like evil).
One of the concepts that is fascinating me is that the stark ideas of "sin" and "evil" seem to be replaced by something I would consider very mild - a lack of perception. T.K.V. Desikachar explains that in yogic terms most of our problems are caused by the way we perceive things. Perceiving situations and ideas incorrectly is what causes misfortune to ourselves and others around us. We deceive ourselves into thinking we know exactly what a situation is and act a certain way but instead are seeing through avidya, incorrect comprehension. Unfortunately, we rarely figure out that we are not seeing things clearly, that we are perceiving through a cloud of old assumptions and habits of thinking that we have accumulated through the years.
What are these habits of clouded thinking (or branches of avidya)?
The first is the ego (or asmita) - which gives us thoughts like "I know I am right," and "I have to be better than that person."
The second expresses itself by making demands (raga) - we want something today because it was pleasant yesterday, not because we really need it. We want things we do not have. We want to keep what could be given away.
The third is the opposite of raga - it is the rejection of things (dvesa). We have a difficult experience and are afraid to do something again so we reject people, thoughts, and settings because we assume they will bring pain. We also reject things that are unfamiliar, fearing they too will be unpleasant.
The fourth branch that clouds perception is fear (abhinivesa). We rarely acknowledge the role of fear in our lives, but it can be found in our everyday life. We fear people will judge us wrongly; we're uncertain when changes occur in our routine; we don't want to grow old - all are expressions of abhinivesa that skew our perceptions.
I know when I go to my yoga class, I have to stop myself when I look at the other students and think "hey, I'm better than her at this" (asmita) or "Julia must think I'm a total goof, I was on the wrong foot" (abhinivesa), or even "I tried that at home and it hurt - I won't do that again" (dvesa). When I manage to sweep away all those false perceptions, I relax, and I walk away from my asana practice feeling peaceful, complete. One of the roles of yoga is to lessen these habits so we can act correctly, with clear perception and clear our minds so that the core of our being (purusa, or that which can see clearly) , the "I am," can shine through.
Much of what yoga teaches, I've heard before in counseling, psychology, or even other religions. But there is often some sort of twist of thinking that makes my Western brain pause and reconsider. In Christianity you have sin and redemption and other black and white concepts - I am used to life's trials being presented in good or evil, saved or damned. It gives me pause to realize what a harsh religion I was brought up with. Yoga, so far in my reading, does not have the concept of "evil" or "sin." I might encounter it further in my reading - but those two things that to Christians cause ALL problems are not what a follower of yoga believes in. Yoga seems to see problems as internal ways of thinking as opposed to outside influences (like evil).
One of the concepts that is fascinating me is that the stark ideas of "sin" and "evil" seem to be replaced by something I would consider very mild - a lack of perception. T.K.V. Desikachar explains that in yogic terms most of our problems are caused by the way we perceive things. Perceiving situations and ideas incorrectly is what causes misfortune to ourselves and others around us. We deceive ourselves into thinking we know exactly what a situation is and act a certain way but instead are seeing through avidya, incorrect comprehension. Unfortunately, we rarely figure out that we are not seeing things clearly, that we are perceiving through a cloud of old assumptions and habits of thinking that we have accumulated through the years.
What are these habits of clouded thinking (or branches of avidya)?
The first is the ego (or asmita) - which gives us thoughts like "I know I am right," and "I have to be better than that person."
The second expresses itself by making demands (raga) - we want something today because it was pleasant yesterday, not because we really need it. We want things we do not have. We want to keep what could be given away.
The third is the opposite of raga - it is the rejection of things (dvesa). We have a difficult experience and are afraid to do something again so we reject people, thoughts, and settings because we assume they will bring pain. We also reject things that are unfamiliar, fearing they too will be unpleasant.
The fourth branch that clouds perception is fear (abhinivesa). We rarely acknowledge the role of fear in our lives, but it can be found in our everyday life. We fear people will judge us wrongly; we're uncertain when changes occur in our routine; we don't want to grow old - all are expressions of abhinivesa that skew our perceptions.
I know when I go to my yoga class, I have to stop myself when I look at the other students and think "hey, I'm better than her at this" (asmita) or "Julia must think I'm a total goof, I was on the wrong foot" (abhinivesa), or even "I tried that at home and it hurt - I won't do that again" (dvesa). When I manage to sweep away all those false perceptions, I relax, and I walk away from my asana practice feeling peaceful, complete. One of the roles of yoga is to lessen these habits so we can act correctly, with clear perception and clear our minds so that the core of our being (purusa, or that which can see clearly) , the "I am," can shine through.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Finding myself.
Sunday was a guided meditation at Studio Om. There were two meditations, one seated, guided by a man who was a seminary student. The second was guided by Julia and was done in the savasana (or corpse, lying down) position using colors and the chakras.
The first brought to me the realization that what I needed most in my life was courage. When asked when I was wide open something I wanted above other things I said courage. Courage to live. Courage to face down friends and enemies to live a good life. Courage to do my work with an open heart. Courage.
The second told me that everything I need is right there in me - everything I need I already have, here in my body - I AM. Everything I need to do my writing, everything I need to live my life, everything I need to enjoy life again - it is already here, I just need to reconnect. It was such a shock. It was an opening of myself. I am. The outside forces are not, the expectations are not, the things people wish me to be and wish from me and think that I am - are not. Everything I need is already here, inside me - everything I want is already here, inside me - everything that works for me is already here inside me - look at this light inside me and know that I already am and recognize who and what I am and accept it for who it is. Because in spite of what others wish - I already am and that is something no one can change. Recognize it, namaste - the light in me greets the light in you, the goddess in me greets the goddess in you. The light is already there and I am. My understanding of courage preceded finding that I am. The courage is needed to keep coming back to that understanding, that groundedness and protect it from the people who want to push me off balance, from the people who don't understand that what they are has nothing to do with what I am. You can't shake I am, you can't compete with it, you can't beat it in any way. Any perceived victory over someone who is grounded in "I am" is nonsensical. Because in a stripped down truth - there is no ego to compete against, there is no "self improvement" there is no pettiness, there is no anger, there is no envy. There is love, there is compassion, there is understanding. I am. You are also. Namaste.
The first brought to me the realization that what I needed most in my life was courage. When asked when I was wide open something I wanted above other things I said courage. Courage to live. Courage to face down friends and enemies to live a good life. Courage to do my work with an open heart. Courage.
The second told me that everything I need is right there in me - everything I need I already have, here in my body - I AM. Everything I need to do my writing, everything I need to live my life, everything I need to enjoy life again - it is already here, I just need to reconnect. It was such a shock. It was an opening of myself. I am. The outside forces are not, the expectations are not, the things people wish me to be and wish from me and think that I am - are not. Everything I need is already here, inside me - everything I want is already here, inside me - everything that works for me is already here inside me - look at this light inside me and know that I already am and recognize who and what I am and accept it for who it is. Because in spite of what others wish - I already am and that is something no one can change. Recognize it, namaste - the light in me greets the light in you, the goddess in me greets the goddess in you. The light is already there and I am. My understanding of courage preceded finding that I am. The courage is needed to keep coming back to that understanding, that groundedness and protect it from the people who want to push me off balance, from the people who don't understand that what they are has nothing to do with what I am. You can't shake I am, you can't compete with it, you can't beat it in any way. Any perceived victory over someone who is grounded in "I am" is nonsensical. Because in a stripped down truth - there is no ego to compete against, there is no "self improvement" there is no pettiness, there is no anger, there is no envy. There is love, there is compassion, there is understanding. I am. You are also. Namaste.
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