Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Nightmare on Headley's Mill
What a nightmare of a day. My back hurts from trying to shovel 4 inches of snow on top of a half inch of ice. The trees creak ominously with each gust of wind as the ice layer bends them almost to touching the power lines. And Chester isn't eating again. Maybe if I go to sleep I'll wake up and spring will have come and there will be no more ice or snow or sick cats.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Book two now in progress - aagh!
It is begun. I did some outlining of the second book of the Sand Sifter series (say that three times fast) yesterday and was filled with evil glee at the mischances I was going to put my characters through. Oh the reversals of fortune and fate! Oh the angry gods! Oh how fun to make my characters squirm! Pretty excited that I'm getting started in January this time instead of March like I usually do.
Started the prologue today and am filled with panic. I don't know how to write the middle of a series! Yikes, how much info do I fill in - do I assume the readers have forgotten everything about the first book? I suppose I should disperse the info through the first couple of chapters - but what do the readers need the fastest? And how do I know I'll make this one interesting enough for the reader to want to move on to the last of the series? How do I manipulate the characters into doing bad deeds while having my audience still love them? Arrgh! How am I going to make all this work?!
I know, I know, one bird at a time - take it one bird at a time. Maybe I need to reread the Annie Lamott book - I always find it soothing to realize there's another author out there with my brand of crazy. I should clarify - an author with my brand of crazy who is published. It gives me hope that soul-killing doubt and wrenching insecurity won't keep you from being published if you have a little determination.
So I write. And I hope. And if it all sucks at the end - I rewrite. Simple as that - right? Bird by bird I persevere.
Started the prologue today and am filled with panic. I don't know how to write the middle of a series! Yikes, how much info do I fill in - do I assume the readers have forgotten everything about the first book? I suppose I should disperse the info through the first couple of chapters - but what do the readers need the fastest? And how do I know I'll make this one interesting enough for the reader to want to move on to the last of the series? How do I manipulate the characters into doing bad deeds while having my audience still love them? Arrgh! How am I going to make all this work?!
I know, I know, one bird at a time - take it one bird at a time. Maybe I need to reread the Annie Lamott book - I always find it soothing to realize there's another author out there with my brand of crazy. I should clarify - an author with my brand of crazy who is published. It gives me hope that soul-killing doubt and wrenching insecurity won't keep you from being published if you have a little determination.
So I write. And I hope. And if it all sucks at the end - I rewrite. Simple as that - right? Bird by bird I persevere.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Praise addiction
Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions.
Ouch. Oh, oh this is a tough chapter for me. Just listen to this:
The price you pay for your addiction to praise is extreme vulnerability to others… The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully like the junkie who can no longer get any of his "stuff." Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you.
I like this part:
Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people's irrational beliefs… When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself.
Another list:
1. Remember, when people disapprove of you it might be his or her irrational thinking.
2. You need not be destroyed if the criticism is valid. Learn from your mistakes - don't be ashamed of them. They are what make you human.
3. If you goof up don't label yourself a LOSER. Recognize the thousands of times you did right and have a sense of humor about the rare times you did wrong.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or poorly you might behave. Disapproval cannot spread and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. You will not end up alone because one person rejects you.
6. Disapproval and criticism are uncomfortable - but the discomfort will pass.
7. Disapproval and criticism can upset you only if you "buy into" the accusations being made.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent.
9. If you are criticizing other people - it doesn't make that person totally bad.
Ouch. Oh, oh this is a tough chapter for me. Just listen to this:
The price you pay for your addiction to praise is extreme vulnerability to others… The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully like the junkie who can no longer get any of his "stuff." Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you.
I like this part:
Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people's irrational beliefs… When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself.
Another list:
1. Remember, when people disapprove of you it might be his or her irrational thinking.
2. You need not be destroyed if the criticism is valid. Learn from your mistakes - don't be ashamed of them. They are what make you human.
3. If you goof up don't label yourself a LOSER. Recognize the thousands of times you did right and have a sense of humor about the rare times you did wrong.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or poorly you might behave. Disapproval cannot spread and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. You will not end up alone because one person rejects you.
6. Disapproval and criticism are uncomfortable - but the discomfort will pass.
7. Disapproval and criticism can upset you only if you "buy into" the accusations being made.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent.
9. If you are criticizing other people - it doesn't make that person totally bad.
The Anger Game
I've been reading "Feeling Good" to Mr. Ipsissimus who is trying to get along better with people at work who annoy him. Dr. Burns had an excellent list I had to paraphrase here.
Ten things you should know about anger:
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your own "hot thoughts" and distortions create your anger
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think of the happiest moment of your life. It is nearly impossible to feel anger and joy at the same time - so ask yourself how many minutes of that memory would you be willing to trade for the sour resentment of anger.
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not contain distortions.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust.
5. If look through other's eyes you will realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these situations is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your anger will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals. Your rage will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want the short term gains will be counterbalanced by long term resentment and retaliation from the person you are coercing.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self esteem when people criticize, disagree with you or fail to behave the way you want them to. That is always inappropriate anger because only your own distorted thoughts can cause loss of self-esteem.
8.Frustration results from unmet expectations that were unrealistic and therefore could never be met. Change your expectations to be realistic and your anger will not manifest.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. The question isn't having the right - the question is how will you or the world benefit from your anger?
10. You do not need your anger in order to feel human. When your rid yourself of that sour irritability you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.
Boy, #7 really hit home for me. I've gotten so angry at candidates when I felt they did not respect my time and so did not respect me. But, really, I wasn't respecting myself - I didn't value myself so I was angry that they did not validate my feelings. There was a need to put boundaries on those jobs - but not a need for anger. #4, #5 & 6 all got the Mr. He's started trying to see the reasoning behind people's decisions and questions. He said he still gets irritated - but then he takes it back to his desk, thinks about it and the anger doesn't linger. It's a huge first step and I'm proud of him. Modifying your behavior comes with awareness of how and why it is bad. He might not be able to control it yet - but it is a huge step forward.
I'm really getting a lot out of Feeling Good this time around. I'd let myself swing down into bad patterns of behavior and I'm feeling happy about correcting them. It is a relief to learn, once agian, that others do not control my feelings. That I'm in control, always, and I can learn how to get rid of those distorted thoughts that leave me at the mercy of others.
Okay: on to more rough stuff - The Approval Addiction chapter!
Ten things you should know about anger:
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your own "hot thoughts" and distortions create your anger
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think of the happiest moment of your life. It is nearly impossible to feel anger and joy at the same time - so ask yourself how many minutes of that memory would you be willing to trade for the sour resentment of anger.
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not contain distortions.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust.
5. If look through other's eyes you will realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these situations is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your anger will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals. Your rage will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want the short term gains will be counterbalanced by long term resentment and retaliation from the person you are coercing.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self esteem when people criticize, disagree with you or fail to behave the way you want them to. That is always inappropriate anger because only your own distorted thoughts can cause loss of self-esteem.
8.Frustration results from unmet expectations that were unrealistic and therefore could never be met. Change your expectations to be realistic and your anger will not manifest.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. The question isn't having the right - the question is how will you or the world benefit from your anger?
10. You do not need your anger in order to feel human. When your rid yourself of that sour irritability you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.
Boy, #7 really hit home for me. I've gotten so angry at candidates when I felt they did not respect my time and so did not respect me. But, really, I wasn't respecting myself - I didn't value myself so I was angry that they did not validate my feelings. There was a need to put boundaries on those jobs - but not a need for anger. #4, #5 & 6 all got the Mr. He's started trying to see the reasoning behind people's decisions and questions. He said he still gets irritated - but then he takes it back to his desk, thinks about it and the anger doesn't linger. It's a huge first step and I'm proud of him. Modifying your behavior comes with awareness of how and why it is bad. He might not be able to control it yet - but it is a huge step forward.
I'm really getting a lot out of Feeling Good this time around. I'd let myself swing down into bad patterns of behavior and I'm feeling happy about correcting them. It is a relief to learn, once agian, that others do not control my feelings. That I'm in control, always, and I can learn how to get rid of those distorted thoughts that leave me at the mercy of others.
Okay: on to more rough stuff - The Approval Addiction chapter!
Friday, January 16, 2009
kittens and bears, oh my
Can i just say something about kittens? They're just so... damned... cute. They're sitting on your only piece of furniture that survived the Bart infection, shredding it and all you can think is "aaawwww - idn't she cute!" You may have spent the entire day screaming yourself hoarse to get her to stay off the f'ing counter - but then she walks onto your lap. And she's so soft, and cute and cuddly and starts purring. It's the only reason the little monsters survive their first years, folks. Of course, with this weather I'm wearing so much fleece that I'm rather cuddly too. Just watch out for the teeth. Hibernating bears might look cute until you wake 'em and there's so darned many teeth coming at you.
All that said, the sun woke me up a bit, the frigid temps (-15.9 this morning!) kept me in and I did some writing. Not a bad day after all.
All that said, the sun woke me up a bit, the frigid temps (-15.9 this morning!) kept me in and I did some writing. Not a bad day after all.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sick pets, sick of winter, sick sick sick!
Not flowing very well with the tides this week. I am now giving two cats medicine - twice a day for each. In the case of my oldest baby it could be for the rest of his life. So, how do I go on vacations? I have to pill him twice a day for the next three weeks - so no leaving on weekends until that's down to once a day. And I am spending my entire day heating up cat food and baby food to tempt him into eating and wandering through the house saying in a sugary voice "Does the pretty boy want to eat? Come on, it's all nice and warm and stinky" I guess the thyroid swells up painfully when out of control and that's why he isn't eating. And that, combined with winter's worst, is just making me feel like I've reached the armpit of existence. Hope I pop out of this mood quickly - it's an ugly one!
But life certainly could be worse. Shameless told me a friend of a friend was just given three to six weeks to live because a cancer that he wasn't aware of until this past Friday was throughout his body. Can you imagine? Three to six weeks isn't enough time to make up for the things you never made time for in the previous years of your life. It's hardly enough time to say goodbye.
But life certainly could be worse. Shameless told me a friend of a friend was just given three to six weeks to live because a cancer that he wasn't aware of until this past Friday was throughout his body. Can you imagine? Three to six weeks isn't enough time to make up for the things you never made time for in the previous years of your life. It's hardly enough time to say goodbye.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Blog looks
Did all I could with switching colors on the old blog style, but got a little bored. I don't think this one will last very long though - can't switch around colors or page elements enough for me. I do like to change things a lot!
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Ugh
Just looked in the mirror after a nice relaxing bath. Oh that holiday eating!
Goal #5 - Lose at least five pounds - hopefully more.
Goal #5 - Lose at least five pounds - hopefully more.
Why 2008 sucked
I think I've pinpointed why 2008 sucked so much for me. Loss of control.
2007 was a bewilderingly painful year for the Mr. and I - the sudden loss of his father, my grandfather within weeks of each other. His mother needing our summer. More deaths in the fall. 2007 seemed to spin our world apart and we needed to be able to retreat and see what the new pieces created.
2008 did not do that. From the beginning our vacation was taken by my family. No asking if this was a good year, no real choice - just you will be at this place, for this amount of time. What we really needed was a 10th year retreat with just the two of us - but between my family and his mother, there were no vacation days left. Free time was take by candidates I could not refuse. Mr. Ips decided to take up bicycling - another feeling of non-control as I worried I could not stop cars from hitting him. My bicycling on various bike paths ended badly as cats and people did shockingly stupid things I could not control and caused pain and damage to me. Then loss of control of my household for six weeks of MIL. And and entire political year of disappointment and frustration with not being able to control other voters (as first a Clinton supporter, then as a local politician supporter). Literally none of my candidates won - I am happy it is Obama rather than McCain - but Hillary was my woman. Then the financial meltdown with the rich again getting richer and the rest of us getting screwed. Then another death. And then the required holidays - I would have skipped even thinking about them if it were not for family obligations.
Some of this loss of control is my own inability to say no - but for much of it, the consequences of saying no were too far-reaching to justify grasping control.
So here we are at 2009. I said last year that 2008 would be my year. It didn't work out that way. But now I know what I need. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket - maybe I can at least eek out a few weeks or months where I can control the important aspects of life now that I understand how important it is to me.
2007 was a bewilderingly painful year for the Mr. and I - the sudden loss of his father, my grandfather within weeks of each other. His mother needing our summer. More deaths in the fall. 2007 seemed to spin our world apart and we needed to be able to retreat and see what the new pieces created.
2008 did not do that. From the beginning our vacation was taken by my family. No asking if this was a good year, no real choice - just you will be at this place, for this amount of time. What we really needed was a 10th year retreat with just the two of us - but between my family and his mother, there were no vacation days left. Free time was take by candidates I could not refuse. Mr. Ips decided to take up bicycling - another feeling of non-control as I worried I could not stop cars from hitting him. My bicycling on various bike paths ended badly as cats and people did shockingly stupid things I could not control and caused pain and damage to me. Then loss of control of my household for six weeks of MIL. And and entire political year of disappointment and frustration with not being able to control other voters (as first a Clinton supporter, then as a local politician supporter). Literally none of my candidates won - I am happy it is Obama rather than McCain - but Hillary was my woman. Then the financial meltdown with the rich again getting richer and the rest of us getting screwed. Then another death. And then the required holidays - I would have skipped even thinking about them if it were not for family obligations.
Some of this loss of control is my own inability to say no - but for much of it, the consequences of saying no were too far-reaching to justify grasping control.
So here we are at 2009. I said last year that 2008 would be my year. It didn't work out that way. But now I know what I need. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket - maybe I can at least eek out a few weeks or months where I can control the important aspects of life now that I understand how important it is to me.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
New Years Goals
It's that time of year again, isn't it? Time to really think about what was wrong with this past year and set goals for the New Year. I don’t generally do resolutions - it seems so easy to immediately fail at things so absolute and sudden as resolutions. I try to give myself at least a whole year to make a goal and then look back at the end to see if I failed. If I'm really lucky, I won't even remember what last year's goals were and so won't kick myself. Much better, don't you think?
Anyway, looking back at last year I've got lots of goals to make.
1. Do more writing. I swore this last year I would have my novel out to publishers and I would complete the sequel (or write a wholly separate novel). The novel is very close to being edited - but still not there. The sequel hasn't made it out of the planning stages. Why? I permitted myself to be sidetracked, to be taken for granted, to give up precious writing time for nothing. I can't do that again. Just say no, even to friends and family, right? Which brings me to goal number two.
2. Separate other's emotions from my own. Don't permit other people to railroad my emotions. Other's extreme apathy, depression, laziness; their anger and bitterness - I should not have to feel them. I've got enough emotions packed in this little body - I don’t have to be the keeper of anyone else's. I need to set boundaries. Should be fun trying that for six week visits, shouldn't it?
3. Spend less. I want to curb my online spending. Sixty dollars at that website, forty at the other - it does add up. Time to hit "unsubscribe" on the bottom of all those wonderful 50% off sale emails. Urgh, that's a hard one. Mustn't…pass…up…a…bargain. Maybe I'll start a little at a time: first J.Jill, then Gaiam, MacMall, eventually canceling, gulp, Territory Ahead by the end of six months.
4. Practice looking on the bright side. Ugh I hate this one. It's called cognitive therapy, people. Snark and sarcasm can be fun, but it can be a defense mechanism as well. And it can color my thoughts - so that eventually I believe that self-mocking comment I just said. For a while I was doing pretty well at changing my negative thoughts - but it is a constant battle for a depressive. Goal - reread "Feeling Good - the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Work through the exercises to remind myself what I need my brain to be doing. If it isn't working - go see Dr. Richardson again. We've had some tough years - 8 family members dead in two years. It's time to reassess, figure out where I am emotionally and make some serious changes.
Is that enough? It's only four - but they're pretty serious, difficult ones. The next step is to put in writing a plan for each of these goals. I've learned in past years - if I don't have a plan, I'm not really serious about that goal and it will not happen.
Anyway, looking back at last year I've got lots of goals to make.
1. Do more writing. I swore this last year I would have my novel out to publishers and I would complete the sequel (or write a wholly separate novel). The novel is very close to being edited - but still not there. The sequel hasn't made it out of the planning stages. Why? I permitted myself to be sidetracked, to be taken for granted, to give up precious writing time for nothing. I can't do that again. Just say no, even to friends and family, right? Which brings me to goal number two.
2. Separate other's emotions from my own. Don't permit other people to railroad my emotions. Other's extreme apathy, depression, laziness; their anger and bitterness - I should not have to feel them. I've got enough emotions packed in this little body - I don’t have to be the keeper of anyone else's. I need to set boundaries. Should be fun trying that for six week visits, shouldn't it?
3. Spend less. I want to curb my online spending. Sixty dollars at that website, forty at the other - it does add up. Time to hit "unsubscribe" on the bottom of all those wonderful 50% off sale emails. Urgh, that's a hard one. Mustn't…pass…up…a…bargain. Maybe I'll start a little at a time: first J.Jill, then Gaiam, MacMall, eventually canceling, gulp, Territory Ahead by the end of six months.
4. Practice looking on the bright side. Ugh I hate this one. It's called cognitive therapy, people. Snark and sarcasm can be fun, but it can be a defense mechanism as well. And it can color my thoughts - so that eventually I believe that self-mocking comment I just said. For a while I was doing pretty well at changing my negative thoughts - but it is a constant battle for a depressive. Goal - reread "Feeling Good - the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Work through the exercises to remind myself what I need my brain to be doing. If it isn't working - go see Dr. Richardson again. We've had some tough years - 8 family members dead in two years. It's time to reassess, figure out where I am emotionally and make some serious changes.
Is that enough? It's only four - but they're pretty serious, difficult ones. The next step is to put in writing a plan for each of these goals. I've learned in past years - if I don't have a plan, I'm not really serious about that goal and it will not happen.
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