The cranberry bread is cooling beside the stove. I'm packing presents and the Wii and making certain everything is there as well as giving the house a final cleaning. We leave tomorrow morning for my parent's house which doesn't have internet access - so I will take this time to wish all my dear friends a most Merry and peaceful Christmas!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Letting go. Breathe.
After the last post I felt very sad for a day, still mourning. But a day after that I enjoyed a movie with a friend and did some shopping and felt peaceful. It is so important to get to the root of pain and sadness and simply acknowledge it. To explore why the sadness is felt, to let myself really feel the pain, mourn the loss, then breathe it out. Otherwise I get caught up in the pain cycle - in pain but not knowing why, so that I just keep hurting myself over and over. But when I recognize the root, when I let myself feel the pain it is at first overwhelming, but the pain passes and there is a kind of peace in letting go. Letting go of holding on to the past. I will always miss my grandparents in some way. But now I can let that pain go, to see those Christmas pasts and love the memories of them without longing so terribly for them to come again.
I am beginning to understand the yogic and Buddhism wisdom of letting go. I could not move on with Christmas and my life, I could not enjoy the Christmas of now, because I was holding on so tightly to the past. When I was able to look inside, acknowledge the pain, I was able to let go of it. This week I feel energized and ready to enjoy what this Christmas brings. The future is not static; it is ever changing. Trying to freeze the present, to mold it into beloved past memories only freezes ourselves, because time ticks onward with alarming variety. We cannot move forward and enjoy the wondrous change going around us if we are so desperately trying to recreate past memories. Trying to hold onto people is even worse; it freezes both them and ourselves. I can't let you change and become a better person if I'm holding you to your past behaviors and forcing you back into patterns of behavior that you may have outgrown. People are as varied and changing as the future - the person who holds too tightly onto her friends ends up friendless or with friends who resent her. Letting go of a friend in the yogic sense means allowing that friend to grow and change and loving dispassionately what she becomes.
Letting go is a good thing for me to understand and practice as a new year approaches and I bemoan that it'll probably be just like the old. Yep, it will be if I can't let go of the old year, if I can't let the past stay there and look with an open heart to the swirling change that is the new one.
I am beginning to understand the yogic and Buddhism wisdom of letting go. I could not move on with Christmas and my life, I could not enjoy the Christmas of now, because I was holding on so tightly to the past. When I was able to look inside, acknowledge the pain, I was able to let go of it. This week I feel energized and ready to enjoy what this Christmas brings. The future is not static; it is ever changing. Trying to freeze the present, to mold it into beloved past memories only freezes ourselves, because time ticks onward with alarming variety. We cannot move forward and enjoy the wondrous change going around us if we are so desperately trying to recreate past memories. Trying to hold onto people is even worse; it freezes both them and ourselves. I can't let you change and become a better person if I'm holding you to your past behaviors and forcing you back into patterns of behavior that you may have outgrown. People are as varied and changing as the future - the person who holds too tightly onto her friends ends up friendless or with friends who resent her. Letting go of a friend in the yogic sense means allowing that friend to grow and change and loving dispassionately what she becomes.
Letting go is a good thing for me to understand and practice as a new year approaches and I bemoan that it'll probably be just like the old. Yep, it will be if I can't let go of the old year, if I can't let the past stay there and look with an open heart to the swirling change that is the new one.
Monday, December 14, 2009
What is missing in Christmas.
I've been wondering why I hate Christmas so much anymore when it used to be the best time. Why I feel so bah-humbugish, when I used to anticipate it for months to come, shopping for just the right gift all year. And I realized, as I lay down tonight after a disappointing weekend trying to sleep - I miss my grandparents terribly. Every holiday after early morning opening presents, we'd go up to my Grandma and Grandpa Niemoeller's house. Grandma would exclaim over us, then we'd hear Grandpa's bellow from the living room. He'd do his best to give me rug burn from his whiskers, then we'd sit down to a huge meal that Grandma cooked up, joined often by the littler cousins. They who would roughhouse with Grandpa, who'd joke around, loving everyone being there. Aunt Nancy would take pictures and stand by rather shyly, showing me new cat things she'd bought, telling me where she'd gone the past couple months. And, after dishes were done, Mom and Grandma would sit at the table with their coffee and talk and talk while the guys watched football. Then we'd go over to Grandma Grant's tiny house, and she would have tons of people there - all the cousins who were about our age, Uncles, Aunts, Great-Uncles, Great-Aunts and family friends. All crammed into a tiny kitchen and living room. Lots of bustle, everyone trying to catch up while Grandma passed around the present of the year - some particular ceramic she'd made and painted for everyone.
That was Christmas - more than presents, more than Christmas trees or cut-out cookies. Thanksgiving and Christmas were sure times that I would actually see my Grandparents as I grew older and I became more and more busy. It's been seven years since we lost Grandma Niemoeller, six since we lost Aunt Nancy, three since we lost Grandpa and just one since we lost Grandma Grant (though the Christmas gathering was lost when she moved to assisted living three years before). Their houses are other people's residences now. And though I try very hard to get into the gathering of my sister's family at my Mom's house - every year I miss my Grandparents terribly. As a non-Christian, Christmas holds no religious meaning for me; it is all about family gathering together. I miss Aunt Nancy's childlike delight, her simple ways of loving us. I miss Grandpa's laugh, his whiskers, his gratitude at having his family around us and his delight at seeing us. I miss Grandma Niemoeller's rough concern and love, the way she offered us her best through her cooking. I miss Grandma Grant's cheerful optimism, her simple wisdom. I miss them enough that when Christmas comes around there's just a huge hole, there's just too much missing. Maybe as the years come and go, the loss will be blunted. It's been three years since Grandpa's death - but only two Christmases. Maybe it'll get easier, more traditions will fill in -or fewer will be expected so Christmas will be less of a huge, silly deal - more of just a nice couple days off of work for Brian. But for now I go through the motions that our society seems to feel we need to go through, all the buying and partying and running around and feel empty inside.
That was Christmas - more than presents, more than Christmas trees or cut-out cookies. Thanksgiving and Christmas were sure times that I would actually see my Grandparents as I grew older and I became more and more busy. It's been seven years since we lost Grandma Niemoeller, six since we lost Aunt Nancy, three since we lost Grandpa and just one since we lost Grandma Grant (though the Christmas gathering was lost when she moved to assisted living three years before). Their houses are other people's residences now. And though I try very hard to get into the gathering of my sister's family at my Mom's house - every year I miss my Grandparents terribly. As a non-Christian, Christmas holds no religious meaning for me; it is all about family gathering together. I miss Aunt Nancy's childlike delight, her simple ways of loving us. I miss Grandpa's laugh, his whiskers, his gratitude at having his family around us and his delight at seeing us. I miss Grandma Niemoeller's rough concern and love, the way she offered us her best through her cooking. I miss Grandma Grant's cheerful optimism, her simple wisdom. I miss them enough that when Christmas comes around there's just a huge hole, there's just too much missing. Maybe as the years come and go, the loss will be blunted. It's been three years since Grandpa's death - but only two Christmases. Maybe it'll get easier, more traditions will fill in -or fewer will be expected so Christmas will be less of a huge, silly deal - more of just a nice couple days off of work for Brian. But for now I go through the motions that our society seems to feel we need to go through, all the buying and partying and running around and feel empty inside.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
A continuation.
Well, Nanowrimo is over. The novel is not done. Mr. Ips. has told me I need to keep going, not lose myself in the winter depression to where I don't write at all. Holidays depress me, as do the days getting even shorter. My health issues are ever present - now both knees are in pain for absolutely no reason at all, my hamstring isn't healing, and my gut is full of gas pain, even as the really nasty pains have died down. All that leads to the blahs, receding from society and friends and depression.
So, Mr. Ips. has asked me to at least write one page a day on Seeing Shadows. 250 words. I averaged 2174 words a day during Nano. I've decided to up his request, at least here in December, to 500 words a day - two pages. If I get into it, I can write more. If I just don't have anything at all in me - two pages is bluffable. And it could be I'll sit down feeling uninspired and while in my office at the laptop I'll feel inspired.
I've never been able to write in the winter because of the depression - maybe Mr. Ips. is right, that I've been setting my goals too high. I expect summer quantity out of my winter sludgy brain. Hopefully this will be the year I keep going and finish a novel in the winter.
So, to the top left I have my "write or die" meter which will show my progress - 15,500 words (62 pages) is 500 words a day.
So, Mr. Ips. has asked me to at least write one page a day on Seeing Shadows. 250 words. I averaged 2174 words a day during Nano. I've decided to up his request, at least here in December, to 500 words a day - two pages. If I get into it, I can write more. If I just don't have anything at all in me - two pages is bluffable. And it could be I'll sit down feeling uninspired and while in my office at the laptop I'll feel inspired.
I've never been able to write in the winter because of the depression - maybe Mr. Ips. is right, that I've been setting my goals too high. I expect summer quantity out of my winter sludgy brain. Hopefully this will be the year I keep going and finish a novel in the winter.
So, to the top left I have my "write or die" meter which will show my progress - 15,500 words (62 pages) is 500 words a day.
Monday, November 23, 2009
YEEE- HAAAAA!
After a 5,000 word weekend where I didn't let myself on the internet, even to post word counts to Nanowrimo - I had a 5,000 word day (and I'm still going) to zoom to the finish line and beyond. 50,000 words are TOAST! I started as soon as I got up this morning,thought about the plot the entire time I was in the shower,then took a break to fight with our new neighbors, and then visit nicely with them, then got back to it. Was very lucky the end came in one of the most exciting fight sequences of the novel - when you've go so many pieces coming together like that you can get 5 to ten thousand words in half the time it usually takes.
The novel, as it stands is now up to almost 65,000 words and is a little over half-way done. I hope I can keep some of this momentum going and finish the novel in December and January. With the holidays coming up it will be hard to keep this kind of motivation going, but I intend to try. But for now -YIPEEEE! So glad I did it this year.
The novel, as it stands is now up to almost 65,000 words and is a little over half-way done. I hope I can keep some of this momentum going and finish the novel in December and January. With the holidays coming up it will be hard to keep this kind of motivation going, but I intend to try. But for now -YIPEEEE! So glad I did it this year.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
20274
Reached the 20,000 word mark. Still going strong. I was worried once I resolved the "take back the collegium" plot the whole thing would fall apart - but in actuality, the writing just got much easier and I was able to speed through a couple thousand words without hitting "word count" once. I am now two days ahead on the word count, hoping to keep creeping up since I know I won't be able to write at Mom's this weekend or over Thanksgiving - just too much going on and too small a house for everyone to have private space.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
8 minutes to spare
Made my Wednesday word count with 8 minutes to spare - whew. Wasn't feeling well with the IBS making my insides feel like an dwarf had gotten trapped in my stomach and was drilling his way out - and just couldn't get going. But at 10:30 pm I got my butt downstairs (drilling stomach dwarf and all) and plugged out the 1200 words I needed to get up to the day 4 total of 6707.
I also installed an antiglare film on my Macbook and that is helping my eyestrain quite a bit. Do not like the glossy screen - it shows off lovely colors, but the serious reflection problem causes my already dry and taxed eyes to freak even sooner. This is much more restful for them.
I also installed an antiglare film on my Macbook and that is helping my eyestrain quite a bit. Do not like the glossy screen - it shows off lovely colors, but the serious reflection problem causes my already dry and taxed eyes to freak even sooner. This is much more restful for them.
Monday, November 02, 2009
4575 on day two.
4575. I want to get ahead this week, which is usually the most motivated week. I just introduced a new character that I think will add to the fun - a rather crude ferret who betrayed one of the main characters, but is now bonded to him as his familiar. Tomorrow is a busy day with voting and the GI doctor (finally, after three months!!). So I'll hopefully get to 5,000 tonight so I'm not rushed tomorrow. I'm starting to settle into the writing routine now - though I do manage to check the world count about every minute or so to see if I can stop yet1
Sunday, November 01, 2009
It is begun!
We're off and running; it is November 1st and the start of the madness known as Nanowrimo 2009
The goal: 50,000 words on a novel in a month. That's 1,667 words a day, or 7 pages.
Today's start: 1741 words tonight. Am tired from alcohol and party and I think I will do my best to get more words tomorrow during the day. I am going to strive for 2,000 words a day to make up for when I'm out of town and Thanksgiving.
The goal: 50,000 words on a novel in a month. That's 1,667 words a day, or 7 pages.
Today's start: 1741 words tonight. Am tired from alcohol and party and I think I will do my best to get more words tomorrow during the day. I am going to strive for 2,000 words a day to make up for when I'm out of town and Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I've been told I lack self confidence, that it is what I need to stand up to others, to get my work out to publishers, to live the life I want. I've always pictured that as something external, something you get from others, that you were taught to have by getting affirmation growing up, by getting encouragement and praise at the right time. I've been trying to replace that childhood lack with my own affirmations, to build myself up to confidence - but it is a catch 22 as I have no confidence in my own affirmations.
I've been thinking about it in terms of "I am" in terms of everything I need is right here, inside of me already. That yogic imagery seems to work better for me - that what I need is to strip away the false perceptions because what I need is already here. Theres no need to build it up, there's no need to judge it, there's no need to add something because nothing is missing. I'm not missing self confidence - my self is very confidently there, waiting for me to notice it. It is already there if I get quiet, silence the voices, let it out of the cave and into the light. Its so much more peaceful an image to me - and I really like peace.
I've always thought of myself in terms of what I am lacking - self confidence, courage, assertiveness - the list goes on and on and adding all those things to my life seems so hopeless. It's such a relief to believe that I already have everything I need, inside me. Just need work to uncover it. But it's all there, already. It's like you have this piece of wilderness and you need a house because yours has been condemned and you have nowhere else to go, but you have no money and the amount of money it would take seems impossible to earn. Then someone says, "no, wait - there's a nice house in the center of the property, as a matter of fact it is the perfect house for you - you'll have to do a bit of bushwacking to get to it, and some routine maintenance once you get there - but it's there and it'll suit you perfectly no matter how long it takes to get to it." Suddenly you go from the despair of trying to obtain something you can't even see how to get, to the happiness of holding a pruning knife and trying to figure out where to dig in first to get to the home you own.
I've been thinking about it in terms of "I am" in terms of everything I need is right here, inside of me already. That yogic imagery seems to work better for me - that what I need is to strip away the false perceptions because what I need is already here. Theres no need to build it up, there's no need to judge it, there's no need to add something because nothing is missing. I'm not missing self confidence - my self is very confidently there, waiting for me to notice it. It is already there if I get quiet, silence the voices, let it out of the cave and into the light. Its so much more peaceful an image to me - and I really like peace.
I've always thought of myself in terms of what I am lacking - self confidence, courage, assertiveness - the list goes on and on and adding all those things to my life seems so hopeless. It's such a relief to believe that I already have everything I need, inside me. Just need work to uncover it. But it's all there, already. It's like you have this piece of wilderness and you need a house because yours has been condemned and you have nowhere else to go, but you have no money and the amount of money it would take seems impossible to earn. Then someone says, "no, wait - there's a nice house in the center of the property, as a matter of fact it is the perfect house for you - you'll have to do a bit of bushwacking to get to it, and some routine maintenance once you get there - but it's there and it'll suit you perfectly no matter how long it takes to get to it." Suddenly you go from the despair of trying to obtain something you can't even see how to get, to the happiness of holding a pruning knife and trying to figure out where to dig in first to get to the home you own.
Monday, October 12, 2009
self improvement is avidya
I just read something that twisted my little brain in knots. The concept of "self improvement" is considered a form of avidya, a form of unclear perception. In America - self improvement is king, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t want to be "better" or "get ahead" by self improvement. But in a practice where you are attempting to get to the stripped down core of who you are, self-improvement is an expression of the ego. The want to "improve" yourself is viewed lovingly by yogis, because it is often what leads people to yoga, but is a symptom of clouded perception.
This quote from T.K.V. Desikachar blows my mind "I doubt that there is anyone who really does not want to improve himself, and even if our first step springs from the desire to become better and is therefore rooted in the ego, it is still a right step because it takes us on to the first rung of the yoga ladder. Furthermore we do not stay permanently committed to this initial goal of self- improvement." The goal of bettering ourselves as something to be gotten over.
He speaks of "working on ourselves" and I am trying to shift my perceptions to understand that it is not the same as "bettering" myself - that saying I am bettering myself or improving myself is a false perception of who I am now. If everything I need is right here, inside of myself, than working on myself is digging to find that essential self; it cannot be "bettered" but I can work on sweeping away the false perceptions that keep me from coming to an understanding of that self and keep me at war with the world. It comes from a different place than our western religion. The goal of Christianity is to take our terribly imperfect selves and improve and work on them until they become something passable so we can obtain heaven. The goal of yoga, so far as I understand now, is to take the false assumptions, actions and perceptions and sweep them aside to find the pure self that is already in us so we can find peace with ourselves and the world around us.
This quote from T.K.V. Desikachar blows my mind "I doubt that there is anyone who really does not want to improve himself, and even if our first step springs from the desire to become better and is therefore rooted in the ego, it is still a right step because it takes us on to the first rung of the yoga ladder. Furthermore we do not stay permanently committed to this initial goal of self- improvement." The goal of bettering ourselves as something to be gotten over.
He speaks of "working on ourselves" and I am trying to shift my perceptions to understand that it is not the same as "bettering" myself - that saying I am bettering myself or improving myself is a false perception of who I am now. If everything I need is right here, inside of myself, than working on myself is digging to find that essential self; it cannot be "bettered" but I can work on sweeping away the false perceptions that keep me from coming to an understanding of that self and keep me at war with the world. It comes from a different place than our western religion. The goal of Christianity is to take our terribly imperfect selves and improve and work on them until they become something passable so we can obtain heaven. The goal of yoga, so far as I understand now, is to take the false assumptions, actions and perceptions and sweep them aside to find the pure self that is already in us so we can find peace with ourselves and the world around us.
Lack of perception
I'm reading more on the eight-fold tree that is yoga. I'd always thought of yoga as stretching and breathing - and figured that any type of spiritual path that went with it would be Buddhism or Hindu. But asanas (postures) and pranayama (breathing) are just the physical aspects of an eight limbed practice - they are the part of yoga that brings peace to the body so that we can focus on returning to the core of our being. I don’t know of any other religion that brings an understanding of the body and how it affects every day life into a spiritual practice.
Much of what yoga teaches, I've heard before in counseling, psychology, or even other religions. But there is often some sort of twist of thinking that makes my Western brain pause and reconsider. In Christianity you have sin and redemption and other black and white concepts - I am used to life's trials being presented in good or evil, saved or damned. It gives me pause to realize what a harsh religion I was brought up with. Yoga, so far in my reading, does not have the concept of "evil" or "sin." I might encounter it further in my reading - but those two things that to Christians cause ALL problems are not what a follower of yoga believes in. Yoga seems to see problems as internal ways of thinking as opposed to outside influences (like evil).
One of the concepts that is fascinating me is that the stark ideas of "sin" and "evil" seem to be replaced by something I would consider very mild - a lack of perception. T.K.V. Desikachar explains that in yogic terms most of our problems are caused by the way we perceive things. Perceiving situations and ideas incorrectly is what causes misfortune to ourselves and others around us. We deceive ourselves into thinking we know exactly what a situation is and act a certain way but instead are seeing through avidya, incorrect comprehension. Unfortunately, we rarely figure out that we are not seeing things clearly, that we are perceiving through a cloud of old assumptions and habits of thinking that we have accumulated through the years.
What are these habits of clouded thinking (or branches of avidya)?
The first is the ego (or asmita) - which gives us thoughts like "I know I am right," and "I have to be better than that person."
The second expresses itself by making demands (raga) - we want something today because it was pleasant yesterday, not because we really need it. We want things we do not have. We want to keep what could be given away.
The third is the opposite of raga - it is the rejection of things (dvesa). We have a difficult experience and are afraid to do something again so we reject people, thoughts, and settings because we assume they will bring pain. We also reject things that are unfamiliar, fearing they too will be unpleasant.
The fourth branch that clouds perception is fear (abhinivesa). We rarely acknowledge the role of fear in our lives, but it can be found in our everyday life. We fear people will judge us wrongly; we're uncertain when changes occur in our routine; we don't want to grow old - all are expressions of abhinivesa that skew our perceptions.
I know when I go to my yoga class, I have to stop myself when I look at the other students and think "hey, I'm better than her at this" (asmita) or "Julia must think I'm a total goof, I was on the wrong foot" (abhinivesa), or even "I tried that at home and it hurt - I won't do that again" (dvesa). When I manage to sweep away all those false perceptions, I relax, and I walk away from my asana practice feeling peaceful, complete. One of the roles of yoga is to lessen these habits so we can act correctly, with clear perception and clear our minds so that the core of our being (purusa, or that which can see clearly) , the "I am," can shine through.
Much of what yoga teaches, I've heard before in counseling, psychology, or even other religions. But there is often some sort of twist of thinking that makes my Western brain pause and reconsider. In Christianity you have sin and redemption and other black and white concepts - I am used to life's trials being presented in good or evil, saved or damned. It gives me pause to realize what a harsh religion I was brought up with. Yoga, so far in my reading, does not have the concept of "evil" or "sin." I might encounter it further in my reading - but those two things that to Christians cause ALL problems are not what a follower of yoga believes in. Yoga seems to see problems as internal ways of thinking as opposed to outside influences (like evil).
One of the concepts that is fascinating me is that the stark ideas of "sin" and "evil" seem to be replaced by something I would consider very mild - a lack of perception. T.K.V. Desikachar explains that in yogic terms most of our problems are caused by the way we perceive things. Perceiving situations and ideas incorrectly is what causes misfortune to ourselves and others around us. We deceive ourselves into thinking we know exactly what a situation is and act a certain way but instead are seeing through avidya, incorrect comprehension. Unfortunately, we rarely figure out that we are not seeing things clearly, that we are perceiving through a cloud of old assumptions and habits of thinking that we have accumulated through the years.
What are these habits of clouded thinking (or branches of avidya)?
The first is the ego (or asmita) - which gives us thoughts like "I know I am right," and "I have to be better than that person."
The second expresses itself by making demands (raga) - we want something today because it was pleasant yesterday, not because we really need it. We want things we do not have. We want to keep what could be given away.
The third is the opposite of raga - it is the rejection of things (dvesa). We have a difficult experience and are afraid to do something again so we reject people, thoughts, and settings because we assume they will bring pain. We also reject things that are unfamiliar, fearing they too will be unpleasant.
The fourth branch that clouds perception is fear (abhinivesa). We rarely acknowledge the role of fear in our lives, but it can be found in our everyday life. We fear people will judge us wrongly; we're uncertain when changes occur in our routine; we don't want to grow old - all are expressions of abhinivesa that skew our perceptions.
I know when I go to my yoga class, I have to stop myself when I look at the other students and think "hey, I'm better than her at this" (asmita) or "Julia must think I'm a total goof, I was on the wrong foot" (abhinivesa), or even "I tried that at home and it hurt - I won't do that again" (dvesa). When I manage to sweep away all those false perceptions, I relax, and I walk away from my asana practice feeling peaceful, complete. One of the roles of yoga is to lessen these habits so we can act correctly, with clear perception and clear our minds so that the core of our being (purusa, or that which can see clearly) , the "I am," can shine through.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Finding myself.
Sunday was a guided meditation at Studio Om. There were two meditations, one seated, guided by a man who was a seminary student. The second was guided by Julia and was done in the savasana (or corpse, lying down) position using colors and the chakras.
The first brought to me the realization that what I needed most in my life was courage. When asked when I was wide open something I wanted above other things I said courage. Courage to live. Courage to face down friends and enemies to live a good life. Courage to do my work with an open heart. Courage.
The second told me that everything I need is right there in me - everything I need I already have, here in my body - I AM. Everything I need to do my writing, everything I need to live my life, everything I need to enjoy life again - it is already here, I just need to reconnect. It was such a shock. It was an opening of myself. I am. The outside forces are not, the expectations are not, the things people wish me to be and wish from me and think that I am - are not. Everything I need is already here, inside me - everything I want is already here, inside me - everything that works for me is already here inside me - look at this light inside me and know that I already am and recognize who and what I am and accept it for who it is. Because in spite of what others wish - I already am and that is something no one can change. Recognize it, namaste - the light in me greets the light in you, the goddess in me greets the goddess in you. The light is already there and I am. My understanding of courage preceded finding that I am. The courage is needed to keep coming back to that understanding, that groundedness and protect it from the people who want to push me off balance, from the people who don't understand that what they are has nothing to do with what I am. You can't shake I am, you can't compete with it, you can't beat it in any way. Any perceived victory over someone who is grounded in "I am" is nonsensical. Because in a stripped down truth - there is no ego to compete against, there is no "self improvement" there is no pettiness, there is no anger, there is no envy. There is love, there is compassion, there is understanding. I am. You are also. Namaste.
The first brought to me the realization that what I needed most in my life was courage. When asked when I was wide open something I wanted above other things I said courage. Courage to live. Courage to face down friends and enemies to live a good life. Courage to do my work with an open heart. Courage.
The second told me that everything I need is right there in me - everything I need I already have, here in my body - I AM. Everything I need to do my writing, everything I need to live my life, everything I need to enjoy life again - it is already here, I just need to reconnect. It was such a shock. It was an opening of myself. I am. The outside forces are not, the expectations are not, the things people wish me to be and wish from me and think that I am - are not. Everything I need is already here, inside me - everything I want is already here, inside me - everything that works for me is already here inside me - look at this light inside me and know that I already am and recognize who and what I am and accept it for who it is. Because in spite of what others wish - I already am and that is something no one can change. Recognize it, namaste - the light in me greets the light in you, the goddess in me greets the goddess in you. The light is already there and I am. My understanding of courage preceded finding that I am. The courage is needed to keep coming back to that understanding, that groundedness and protect it from the people who want to push me off balance, from the people who don't understand that what they are has nothing to do with what I am. You can't shake I am, you can't compete with it, you can't beat it in any way. Any perceived victory over someone who is grounded in "I am" is nonsensical. Because in a stripped down truth - there is no ego to compete against, there is no "self improvement" there is no pettiness, there is no anger, there is no envy. There is love, there is compassion, there is understanding. I am. You are also. Namaste.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I love this song.
This Todd Snider song gets stuck in my head, but is pretty perfect for describing how I feel about the dem club.
My Rhapsody Playlist
My Rhapsody Playlist
Friday, March 13, 2009
South bound?
Mr. Ips. and I were talking the other night. The past couple of years I haven't come out of the seasonal depression during the summer for various reasons. Sometimes, when you are coping with deaths and difficulties, three months isn't enough of a letup of the physical, nature-caused depression to let you deal with the mental/emotional problems that have been making it worse. We are beginning to wonder if moving south to give me at least a couple more good months would be sensible at this point. As I told him "I'm turning 38 and over half those years have been depressed ones. I need a better average than that." I always assumed that I would be the sibling who stayed around and took care of our parents as they got older - but the way things are going I think I may need to move to survive at all. It certainly wouldn't be for a few years, as the housing and job situation stabilizes (assuming, of course, that our housing and job situation stays stable!). But I did a little research on places that have national labs that the Mr. would like to work at. And I looked up their ratio of sunny days to cloudy days and compared them to ours. This table shows the city, average days of sun, average partly cloudy days, average cloudy days. Here are the results, and I'm sorry about the wide space - I haven't figured out why my blog is doing that!
So, basically, anywhere but Seattle or Koror is better than here. I can't imagine moving clear out to Albaquerque and so far away from my parents - but it seems the best for the SAD. There is a lab in Livermore, CA by San Francisco that looks promising - also a long way.
UPDATE I mentioned moving south to Mom and she said she's just been waiting for one of us to move south so she can go with us!! She's sick of the dark days in Ohio like we are, and with her parents gone, there's nothing holding her here. I don't know that she'd go really far west - but it made me feel better about moving.
CITY | Sun | Partly Cloudy | Cloudy |
---|---|---|---|
Cleveland, OH | 66 | 97 | 202 |
Akron, OH | 68 | 99 | 198 |
Columbus, OH | 72 | 103 | 190 |
Oak Ridge, TN | 109 | 98 | 158 |
San Francisco | 160 | 100 | 105 |
Denver, CO | 115 | 130 | 120 |
Albuquerque, NM | 167 | 111 | 87 |
Seattle, WA | 71 | 93 | 201 |
Koror, PC | 4 | 80 | 279 |
So, basically, anywhere but Seattle or Koror is better than here. I can't imagine moving clear out to Albaquerque and so far away from my parents - but it seems the best for the SAD. There is a lab in Livermore, CA by San Francisco that looks promising - also a long way.
UPDATE I mentioned moving south to Mom and she said she's just been waiting for one of us to move south so she can go with us!! She's sick of the dark days in Ohio like we are, and with her parents gone, there's nothing holding her here. I don't know that she'd go really far west - but it made me feel better about moving.
Monday, March 02, 2009
I posted a couple of days ago about seasonality. I did not post how to manage it. Here are some tips, taken from Winter Blues, that should help SAD, winter blues and seasonality.
Get more light in any safe way you can:
Minimize Stress:
Exercise
Keep a journal
Do more of what brings you pleasure and less of what does not.
Accept that winter will never feel as good as other seasons, no matter how hard you try to change that fact.
Accept that this is your down time, accept the quiet of this dormant season.
Remember that Spring will come - it will arrive, it always does.
If antidepressive medications work for you, go on them.
If you can - travel to warmer, sunnier climates. But do not expect the respite from SAD to last once you are back home - it rarely continues more than a couple days.
Get more light in any safe way you can:
Use your light box/dawn simulator regularly
Keep blinds open in bedroom to catch morning light.
Go outdoors walking/driving when sun is out.
Brighten house with lights
Spend most of your time in the brightest room
Minimize Stress:
Delay what can be delayed.
Say no to new burdens and commitments without guilt.
Don't undertake unnecessary chores.
Exercise
Keep a journal
Do more of what brings you pleasure and less of what does not.
Accept that winter will never feel as good as other seasons, no matter how hard you try to change that fact.
Accept that this is your down time, accept the quiet of this dormant season.
Remember that Spring will come - it will arrive, it always does.
If antidepressive medications work for you, go on them.
If you can - travel to warmer, sunnier climates. But do not expect the respite from SAD to last once you are back home - it rarely continues more than a couple days.
Friday, February 27, 2009
What is SAD
I heard the comedian Dennis Leary mocking people who claim to have Seasonal Affective Disorder on the Daily Show. He said "There are people saying they have some disease, SAD or something because they're depressed in the winter. I mean c'mon people - it's winter, everyone's depressed!"
Now I know being crass is how Leary makes his living - he was just being questioned by Stewart about his book where he disagrees there's such a thing as autism. But his ignorance has a point - it is trendy to claim to have S.A.D; but very few of the people who claim it actually have it or understand what SAD is. Almost everyone has some degree of seasonality - because of that people cannot seem to understand that SAD is a severe, debilitating mood disorder. And I get tired of ignorant people like Leary claiming that everyone has SAD and mocking it, when what people really have is seasonality.
What SAD is not: Seasonal Affective Disorder is not cabin fever. It is not winter blues. It is not something you get in the dead of winter simply because it is cold and dark out.
One of the astonishing things to emerge from recent research is that most people in northern United States and Europe experience seasonal changes in mood and behavior, also known as seasonality. Norman Rosenthal writes in his ground breaking book Winter Blues. He goes on to add In its most marked form, affecting an estimated 6 percent of the U.S. population, seasonality can cause a great deal of distress and difficulties in functioning both at work and in one's personal life…they are said to be suffering from SAD. Another 14 percent…suffer from a lesser form of seasonality, known as the winter blues.
What's the criteria for SAD?
A marked seasonal cyclical pattern over two or more years: a gradual decline beginning in the fall or late summer, peaking in midwinter, and gradually growing less in the spring is a sign of SAD. Depression that comes on mainly in January/February and leaving with nicer weather is a sign of winter blues.
At least one of these seasonal cycles over the years leading to a major depressive episode requiring professional care.
No clear-cut social or psychological reasons to account for a depression in the winter.
Functioning is impaired to a significant degree: almost complete withdrawal from friends and family, production decreases markedly, marked loss of interest or pleasure, conspicuous changes in energy, sleeping or weight. You have feelings of hopelessness, simple things seem impossibly difficult.
Most people who have SAD developed it in childhood or adolescence.
The book has case studies which are interesting.
It discusses a typical winter blues case "Jeff": his energy would decline each winter. He was less productive in the winter, felt tired even though he was sleeping more, had low energy and difficulty concentrating. When spring came, he bounced back pretty quickly, resuming his normal activities.
The case that interested me most was one that describes me almost perfectly.
Merrill says:
That last really speaks to me - I would say it is impossible to cram everything you want to do in three months, and completely discouraging when you do not manage it. For me, creativity suffers. Winter is one long, frustrating writer's block with self-doubt, despair and self- loathing thrown in. Not only can I not write - I start to believe I will never write again, and that everything I have ever written was not truly writing. If I manage to go out with friends I have difficulty making conversation, and sometimes even following it. Small things like losing at games, getting bad news, feeling ill, all can send me into deep self loathing and despair. Cleaning, cooking, shopping all have multiple things you have to do that feel impossible to manage. I sleep nine to ten hours a day and never feel rested. I wake often in the night and toss and turn until I finally fall asleep about seven am. I value and try to guard my summer against pain and problems because it is terrifying to be depressed in summer and know that much worse is coming. When I was younger I could lose myself in the pleasure of summer and forget that winter is coming. Now the specter of winter hangs over everything I do in the summer - I want to pack things in because I know I will not be able to do them in the winter. Starting out low means that my mood will hit rock-bottom by January and I will have a much more difficult time getting myself to a stable level in the spring. I had a terribly summer this year - and the winter has not been pretty. I don't want to have to go back to the psychologist after having been stable for four years; but may need to if the despair gets worse.
Now I know being crass is how Leary makes his living - he was just being questioned by Stewart about his book where he disagrees there's such a thing as autism. But his ignorance has a point - it is trendy to claim to have S.A.D; but very few of the people who claim it actually have it or understand what SAD is. Almost everyone has some degree of seasonality - because of that people cannot seem to understand that SAD is a severe, debilitating mood disorder. And I get tired of ignorant people like Leary claiming that everyone has SAD and mocking it, when what people really have is seasonality.
What SAD is not: Seasonal Affective Disorder is not cabin fever. It is not winter blues. It is not something you get in the dead of winter simply because it is cold and dark out.
One of the astonishing things to emerge from recent research is that most people in northern United States and Europe experience seasonal changes in mood and behavior, also known as seasonality. Norman Rosenthal writes in his ground breaking book Winter Blues. He goes on to add In its most marked form, affecting an estimated 6 percent of the U.S. population, seasonality can cause a great deal of distress and difficulties in functioning both at work and in one's personal life…they are said to be suffering from SAD. Another 14 percent…suffer from a lesser form of seasonality, known as the winter blues.
What's the criteria for SAD?
A marked seasonal cyclical pattern over two or more years: a gradual decline beginning in the fall or late summer, peaking in midwinter, and gradually growing less in the spring is a sign of SAD. Depression that comes on mainly in January/February and leaving with nicer weather is a sign of winter blues.
At least one of these seasonal cycles over the years leading to a major depressive episode requiring professional care.
No clear-cut social or psychological reasons to account for a depression in the winter.
Functioning is impaired to a significant degree: almost complete withdrawal from friends and family, production decreases markedly, marked loss of interest or pleasure, conspicuous changes in energy, sleeping or weight. You have feelings of hopelessness, simple things seem impossibly difficult.
Most people who have SAD developed it in childhood or adolescence.
The book has case studies which are interesting.
It discusses a typical winter blues case "Jeff": his energy would decline each winter. He was less productive in the winter, felt tired even though he was sleeping more, had low energy and difficulty concentrating. When spring came, he bounced back pretty quickly, resuming his normal activities.
The case that interested me most was one that describes me almost perfectly.
Merrill says:
I feel good for only two or three months: May, June, and July. By August my energy level has already begun to slip. I begin to sleep later in the morning, but I can still get to work on time. In September, things are a little worse. My appetite increases, and I begin to crave candy and junk food. By October I begin to withdrawal from friends and I tend to cancel engagements. November marks the onset of real difficulties for me. I become sad and begin to worry about small things that wouldn't bother me at all in the summer… January and February are my worst months. On many days it's all I can do to get into work, and often I don't. Once there, it's very hard to get my work done.
In March and April, my energy begins to come back, and that's a relief, but my thinking is not back to normal, and I continue to feel depressed at times…and then it's late spring and summer and once again I feel myself again: friendly and happy. I can do my work and can be available to the people I care for. But it is so hard to have to cram everything you want to do in three months.
That last really speaks to me - I would say it is impossible to cram everything you want to do in three months, and completely discouraging when you do not manage it. For me, creativity suffers. Winter is one long, frustrating writer's block with self-doubt, despair and self- loathing thrown in. Not only can I not write - I start to believe I will never write again, and that everything I have ever written was not truly writing. If I manage to go out with friends I have difficulty making conversation, and sometimes even following it. Small things like losing at games, getting bad news, feeling ill, all can send me into deep self loathing and despair. Cleaning, cooking, shopping all have multiple things you have to do that feel impossible to manage. I sleep nine to ten hours a day and never feel rested. I wake often in the night and toss and turn until I finally fall asleep about seven am. I value and try to guard my summer against pain and problems because it is terrifying to be depressed in summer and know that much worse is coming. When I was younger I could lose myself in the pleasure of summer and forget that winter is coming. Now the specter of winter hangs over everything I do in the summer - I want to pack things in because I know I will not be able to do them in the winter. Starting out low means that my mood will hit rock-bottom by January and I will have a much more difficult time getting myself to a stable level in the spring. I had a terribly summer this year - and the winter has not been pretty. I don't want to have to go back to the psychologist after having been stable for four years; but may need to if the despair gets worse.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Nightmare on Headley's Mill
What a nightmare of a day. My back hurts from trying to shovel 4 inches of snow on top of a half inch of ice. The trees creak ominously with each gust of wind as the ice layer bends them almost to touching the power lines. And Chester isn't eating again. Maybe if I go to sleep I'll wake up and spring will have come and there will be no more ice or snow or sick cats.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Book two now in progress - aagh!
It is begun. I did some outlining of the second book of the Sand Sifter series (say that three times fast) yesterday and was filled with evil glee at the mischances I was going to put my characters through. Oh the reversals of fortune and fate! Oh the angry gods! Oh how fun to make my characters squirm! Pretty excited that I'm getting started in January this time instead of March like I usually do.
Started the prologue today and am filled with panic. I don't know how to write the middle of a series! Yikes, how much info do I fill in - do I assume the readers have forgotten everything about the first book? I suppose I should disperse the info through the first couple of chapters - but what do the readers need the fastest? And how do I know I'll make this one interesting enough for the reader to want to move on to the last of the series? How do I manipulate the characters into doing bad deeds while having my audience still love them? Arrgh! How am I going to make all this work?!
I know, I know, one bird at a time - take it one bird at a time. Maybe I need to reread the Annie Lamott book - I always find it soothing to realize there's another author out there with my brand of crazy. I should clarify - an author with my brand of crazy who is published. It gives me hope that soul-killing doubt and wrenching insecurity won't keep you from being published if you have a little determination.
So I write. And I hope. And if it all sucks at the end - I rewrite. Simple as that - right? Bird by bird I persevere.
Started the prologue today and am filled with panic. I don't know how to write the middle of a series! Yikes, how much info do I fill in - do I assume the readers have forgotten everything about the first book? I suppose I should disperse the info through the first couple of chapters - but what do the readers need the fastest? And how do I know I'll make this one interesting enough for the reader to want to move on to the last of the series? How do I manipulate the characters into doing bad deeds while having my audience still love them? Arrgh! How am I going to make all this work?!
I know, I know, one bird at a time - take it one bird at a time. Maybe I need to reread the Annie Lamott book - I always find it soothing to realize there's another author out there with my brand of crazy. I should clarify - an author with my brand of crazy who is published. It gives me hope that soul-killing doubt and wrenching insecurity won't keep you from being published if you have a little determination.
So I write. And I hope. And if it all sucks at the end - I rewrite. Simple as that - right? Bird by bird I persevere.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Praise addiction
Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions.
Ouch. Oh, oh this is a tough chapter for me. Just listen to this:
The price you pay for your addiction to praise is extreme vulnerability to others… The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully like the junkie who can no longer get any of his "stuff." Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you.
I like this part:
Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people's irrational beliefs… When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself.
Another list:
1. Remember, when people disapprove of you it might be his or her irrational thinking.
2. You need not be destroyed if the criticism is valid. Learn from your mistakes - don't be ashamed of them. They are what make you human.
3. If you goof up don't label yourself a LOSER. Recognize the thousands of times you did right and have a sense of humor about the rare times you did wrong.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or poorly you might behave. Disapproval cannot spread and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. You will not end up alone because one person rejects you.
6. Disapproval and criticism are uncomfortable - but the discomfort will pass.
7. Disapproval and criticism can upset you only if you "buy into" the accusations being made.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent.
9. If you are criticizing other people - it doesn't make that person totally bad.
Ouch. Oh, oh this is a tough chapter for me. Just listen to this:
The price you pay for your addiction to praise is extreme vulnerability to others… The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully like the junkie who can no longer get any of his "stuff." Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you.
I like this part:
Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people's irrational beliefs… When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself.
Another list:
1. Remember, when people disapprove of you it might be his or her irrational thinking.
2. You need not be destroyed if the criticism is valid. Learn from your mistakes - don't be ashamed of them. They are what make you human.
3. If you goof up don't label yourself a LOSER. Recognize the thousands of times you did right and have a sense of humor about the rare times you did wrong.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or poorly you might behave. Disapproval cannot spread and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. You will not end up alone because one person rejects you.
6. Disapproval and criticism are uncomfortable - but the discomfort will pass.
7. Disapproval and criticism can upset you only if you "buy into" the accusations being made.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent.
9. If you are criticizing other people - it doesn't make that person totally bad.
The Anger Game
I've been reading "Feeling Good" to Mr. Ipsissimus who is trying to get along better with people at work who annoy him. Dr. Burns had an excellent list I had to paraphrase here.
Ten things you should know about anger:
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your own "hot thoughts" and distortions create your anger
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think of the happiest moment of your life. It is nearly impossible to feel anger and joy at the same time - so ask yourself how many minutes of that memory would you be willing to trade for the sour resentment of anger.
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not contain distortions.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust.
5. If look through other's eyes you will realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these situations is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your anger will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals. Your rage will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want the short term gains will be counterbalanced by long term resentment and retaliation from the person you are coercing.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self esteem when people criticize, disagree with you or fail to behave the way you want them to. That is always inappropriate anger because only your own distorted thoughts can cause loss of self-esteem.
8.Frustration results from unmet expectations that were unrealistic and therefore could never be met. Change your expectations to be realistic and your anger will not manifest.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. The question isn't having the right - the question is how will you or the world benefit from your anger?
10. You do not need your anger in order to feel human. When your rid yourself of that sour irritability you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.
Boy, #7 really hit home for me. I've gotten so angry at candidates when I felt they did not respect my time and so did not respect me. But, really, I wasn't respecting myself - I didn't value myself so I was angry that they did not validate my feelings. There was a need to put boundaries on those jobs - but not a need for anger. #4, #5 & 6 all got the Mr. He's started trying to see the reasoning behind people's decisions and questions. He said he still gets irritated - but then he takes it back to his desk, thinks about it and the anger doesn't linger. It's a huge first step and I'm proud of him. Modifying your behavior comes with awareness of how and why it is bad. He might not be able to control it yet - but it is a huge step forward.
I'm really getting a lot out of Feeling Good this time around. I'd let myself swing down into bad patterns of behavior and I'm feeling happy about correcting them. It is a relief to learn, once agian, that others do not control my feelings. That I'm in control, always, and I can learn how to get rid of those distorted thoughts that leave me at the mercy of others.
Okay: on to more rough stuff - The Approval Addiction chapter!
Ten things you should know about anger:
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your own "hot thoughts" and distortions create your anger
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think of the happiest moment of your life. It is nearly impossible to feel anger and joy at the same time - so ask yourself how many minutes of that memory would you be willing to trade for the sour resentment of anger.
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not contain distortions.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust.
5. If look through other's eyes you will realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these situations is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your anger will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals. Your rage will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want the short term gains will be counterbalanced by long term resentment and retaliation from the person you are coercing.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self esteem when people criticize, disagree with you or fail to behave the way you want them to. That is always inappropriate anger because only your own distorted thoughts can cause loss of self-esteem.
8.Frustration results from unmet expectations that were unrealistic and therefore could never be met. Change your expectations to be realistic and your anger will not manifest.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. The question isn't having the right - the question is how will you or the world benefit from your anger?
10. You do not need your anger in order to feel human. When your rid yourself of that sour irritability you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.
Boy, #7 really hit home for me. I've gotten so angry at candidates when I felt they did not respect my time and so did not respect me. But, really, I wasn't respecting myself - I didn't value myself so I was angry that they did not validate my feelings. There was a need to put boundaries on those jobs - but not a need for anger. #4, #5 & 6 all got the Mr. He's started trying to see the reasoning behind people's decisions and questions. He said he still gets irritated - but then he takes it back to his desk, thinks about it and the anger doesn't linger. It's a huge first step and I'm proud of him. Modifying your behavior comes with awareness of how and why it is bad. He might not be able to control it yet - but it is a huge step forward.
I'm really getting a lot out of Feeling Good this time around. I'd let myself swing down into bad patterns of behavior and I'm feeling happy about correcting them. It is a relief to learn, once agian, that others do not control my feelings. That I'm in control, always, and I can learn how to get rid of those distorted thoughts that leave me at the mercy of others.
Okay: on to more rough stuff - The Approval Addiction chapter!
Friday, January 16, 2009
kittens and bears, oh my
Can i just say something about kittens? They're just so... damned... cute. They're sitting on your only piece of furniture that survived the Bart infection, shredding it and all you can think is "aaawwww - idn't she cute!" You may have spent the entire day screaming yourself hoarse to get her to stay off the f'ing counter - but then she walks onto your lap. And she's so soft, and cute and cuddly and starts purring. It's the only reason the little monsters survive their first years, folks. Of course, with this weather I'm wearing so much fleece that I'm rather cuddly too. Just watch out for the teeth. Hibernating bears might look cute until you wake 'em and there's so darned many teeth coming at you.
All that said, the sun woke me up a bit, the frigid temps (-15.9 this morning!) kept me in and I did some writing. Not a bad day after all.
All that said, the sun woke me up a bit, the frigid temps (-15.9 this morning!) kept me in and I did some writing. Not a bad day after all.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sick pets, sick of winter, sick sick sick!
Not flowing very well with the tides this week. I am now giving two cats medicine - twice a day for each. In the case of my oldest baby it could be for the rest of his life. So, how do I go on vacations? I have to pill him twice a day for the next three weeks - so no leaving on weekends until that's down to once a day. And I am spending my entire day heating up cat food and baby food to tempt him into eating and wandering through the house saying in a sugary voice "Does the pretty boy want to eat? Come on, it's all nice and warm and stinky" I guess the thyroid swells up painfully when out of control and that's why he isn't eating. And that, combined with winter's worst, is just making me feel like I've reached the armpit of existence. Hope I pop out of this mood quickly - it's an ugly one!
But life certainly could be worse. Shameless told me a friend of a friend was just given three to six weeks to live because a cancer that he wasn't aware of until this past Friday was throughout his body. Can you imagine? Three to six weeks isn't enough time to make up for the things you never made time for in the previous years of your life. It's hardly enough time to say goodbye.
But life certainly could be worse. Shameless told me a friend of a friend was just given three to six weeks to live because a cancer that he wasn't aware of until this past Friday was throughout his body. Can you imagine? Three to six weeks isn't enough time to make up for the things you never made time for in the previous years of your life. It's hardly enough time to say goodbye.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Blog looks
Did all I could with switching colors on the old blog style, but got a little bored. I don't think this one will last very long though - can't switch around colors or page elements enough for me. I do like to change things a lot!
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Ugh
Just looked in the mirror after a nice relaxing bath. Oh that holiday eating!
Goal #5 - Lose at least five pounds - hopefully more.
Goal #5 - Lose at least five pounds - hopefully more.
Why 2008 sucked
I think I've pinpointed why 2008 sucked so much for me. Loss of control.
2007 was a bewilderingly painful year for the Mr. and I - the sudden loss of his father, my grandfather within weeks of each other. His mother needing our summer. More deaths in the fall. 2007 seemed to spin our world apart and we needed to be able to retreat and see what the new pieces created.
2008 did not do that. From the beginning our vacation was taken by my family. No asking if this was a good year, no real choice - just you will be at this place, for this amount of time. What we really needed was a 10th year retreat with just the two of us - but between my family and his mother, there were no vacation days left. Free time was take by candidates I could not refuse. Mr. Ips decided to take up bicycling - another feeling of non-control as I worried I could not stop cars from hitting him. My bicycling on various bike paths ended badly as cats and people did shockingly stupid things I could not control and caused pain and damage to me. Then loss of control of my household for six weeks of MIL. And and entire political year of disappointment and frustration with not being able to control other voters (as first a Clinton supporter, then as a local politician supporter). Literally none of my candidates won - I am happy it is Obama rather than McCain - but Hillary was my woman. Then the financial meltdown with the rich again getting richer and the rest of us getting screwed. Then another death. And then the required holidays - I would have skipped even thinking about them if it were not for family obligations.
Some of this loss of control is my own inability to say no - but for much of it, the consequences of saying no were too far-reaching to justify grasping control.
So here we are at 2009. I said last year that 2008 would be my year. It didn't work out that way. But now I know what I need. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket - maybe I can at least eek out a few weeks or months where I can control the important aspects of life now that I understand how important it is to me.
2007 was a bewilderingly painful year for the Mr. and I - the sudden loss of his father, my grandfather within weeks of each other. His mother needing our summer. More deaths in the fall. 2007 seemed to spin our world apart and we needed to be able to retreat and see what the new pieces created.
2008 did not do that. From the beginning our vacation was taken by my family. No asking if this was a good year, no real choice - just you will be at this place, for this amount of time. What we really needed was a 10th year retreat with just the two of us - but between my family and his mother, there were no vacation days left. Free time was take by candidates I could not refuse. Mr. Ips decided to take up bicycling - another feeling of non-control as I worried I could not stop cars from hitting him. My bicycling on various bike paths ended badly as cats and people did shockingly stupid things I could not control and caused pain and damage to me. Then loss of control of my household for six weeks of MIL. And and entire political year of disappointment and frustration with not being able to control other voters (as first a Clinton supporter, then as a local politician supporter). Literally none of my candidates won - I am happy it is Obama rather than McCain - but Hillary was my woman. Then the financial meltdown with the rich again getting richer and the rest of us getting screwed. Then another death. And then the required holidays - I would have skipped even thinking about them if it were not for family obligations.
Some of this loss of control is my own inability to say no - but for much of it, the consequences of saying no were too far-reaching to justify grasping control.
So here we are at 2009. I said last year that 2008 would be my year. It didn't work out that way. But now I know what I need. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket - maybe I can at least eek out a few weeks or months where I can control the important aspects of life now that I understand how important it is to me.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
New Years Goals
It's that time of year again, isn't it? Time to really think about what was wrong with this past year and set goals for the New Year. I don’t generally do resolutions - it seems so easy to immediately fail at things so absolute and sudden as resolutions. I try to give myself at least a whole year to make a goal and then look back at the end to see if I failed. If I'm really lucky, I won't even remember what last year's goals were and so won't kick myself. Much better, don't you think?
Anyway, looking back at last year I've got lots of goals to make.
1. Do more writing. I swore this last year I would have my novel out to publishers and I would complete the sequel (or write a wholly separate novel). The novel is very close to being edited - but still not there. The sequel hasn't made it out of the planning stages. Why? I permitted myself to be sidetracked, to be taken for granted, to give up precious writing time for nothing. I can't do that again. Just say no, even to friends and family, right? Which brings me to goal number two.
2. Separate other's emotions from my own. Don't permit other people to railroad my emotions. Other's extreme apathy, depression, laziness; their anger and bitterness - I should not have to feel them. I've got enough emotions packed in this little body - I don’t have to be the keeper of anyone else's. I need to set boundaries. Should be fun trying that for six week visits, shouldn't it?
3. Spend less. I want to curb my online spending. Sixty dollars at that website, forty at the other - it does add up. Time to hit "unsubscribe" on the bottom of all those wonderful 50% off sale emails. Urgh, that's a hard one. Mustn't…pass…up…a…bargain. Maybe I'll start a little at a time: first J.Jill, then Gaiam, MacMall, eventually canceling, gulp, Territory Ahead by the end of six months.
4. Practice looking on the bright side. Ugh I hate this one. It's called cognitive therapy, people. Snark and sarcasm can be fun, but it can be a defense mechanism as well. And it can color my thoughts - so that eventually I believe that self-mocking comment I just said. For a while I was doing pretty well at changing my negative thoughts - but it is a constant battle for a depressive. Goal - reread "Feeling Good - the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Work through the exercises to remind myself what I need my brain to be doing. If it isn't working - go see Dr. Richardson again. We've had some tough years - 8 family members dead in two years. It's time to reassess, figure out where I am emotionally and make some serious changes.
Is that enough? It's only four - but they're pretty serious, difficult ones. The next step is to put in writing a plan for each of these goals. I've learned in past years - if I don't have a plan, I'm not really serious about that goal and it will not happen.
Anyway, looking back at last year I've got lots of goals to make.
1. Do more writing. I swore this last year I would have my novel out to publishers and I would complete the sequel (or write a wholly separate novel). The novel is very close to being edited - but still not there. The sequel hasn't made it out of the planning stages. Why? I permitted myself to be sidetracked, to be taken for granted, to give up precious writing time for nothing. I can't do that again. Just say no, even to friends and family, right? Which brings me to goal number two.
2. Separate other's emotions from my own. Don't permit other people to railroad my emotions. Other's extreme apathy, depression, laziness; their anger and bitterness - I should not have to feel them. I've got enough emotions packed in this little body - I don’t have to be the keeper of anyone else's. I need to set boundaries. Should be fun trying that for six week visits, shouldn't it?
3. Spend less. I want to curb my online spending. Sixty dollars at that website, forty at the other - it does add up. Time to hit "unsubscribe" on the bottom of all those wonderful 50% off sale emails. Urgh, that's a hard one. Mustn't…pass…up…a…bargain. Maybe I'll start a little at a time: first J.Jill, then Gaiam, MacMall, eventually canceling, gulp, Territory Ahead by the end of six months.
4. Practice looking on the bright side. Ugh I hate this one. It's called cognitive therapy, people. Snark and sarcasm can be fun, but it can be a defense mechanism as well. And it can color my thoughts - so that eventually I believe that self-mocking comment I just said. For a while I was doing pretty well at changing my negative thoughts - but it is a constant battle for a depressive. Goal - reread "Feeling Good - the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Work through the exercises to remind myself what I need my brain to be doing. If it isn't working - go see Dr. Richardson again. We've had some tough years - 8 family members dead in two years. It's time to reassess, figure out where I am emotionally and make some serious changes.
Is that enough? It's only four - but they're pretty serious, difficult ones. The next step is to put in writing a plan for each of these goals. I've learned in past years - if I don't have a plan, I'm not really serious about that goal and it will not happen.
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