Is it terrible that I am writing my Grandma's eulogy before she is dead? I wonder at myself sometimes. I know that people expect me to give these horrible little speeches but my feelings for Grandma are so complex, so different than they were ten years ago that I haven't been certain I could pay tribute to her. But I was mowing the lawn and thought of a way - and I guess it is okay - I don't wish her dead. I am devestated by the tales I'm hearing of her loss of independence, her loss of optimism, her loss of the things that matter most to her. So really there are parts of her life that are dead now, and I am already paying tribute to that even though her battered spirit lives unwillingly on. My Dad is a wreck - I talked to him earlier and he just can't accept her weakness, can't accept that she has given up and just doesn't want the pain and hospital visits to continue.
It would be nice if we could die quickly, if we didn't linger on for months and years after life becomes intolerable. But too often dying quickly means dying young - like Brian's dad. Do I want to live to 95 - twenty-five excellent years more than his dad, but be weak and declining the last five or die at age 65. Thirty years difference between him and my Grandparents. Almost all of my life - I think I would like to live those thirty extra years, even if it means weakness and helplessness at the very last. Of course, the choice isn't actually ours to make, is it?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
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1 comment:
Oh, Ipsissimus, you are NOT terrible. You are a writer, and you are dealing with your feelings in a way that is familiar -- with words. We never wish our precious ones dead (well, rarely). We only want to see them set free from their suffering. I can't imagine how it must feel to have my mind trapped inside a failing body. That is the cruelest part of our existence. I too hope that when it is my time to go that it happen when I am doing something I love and that it happen fast.
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