I've been reading "Feeling Good" to Mr. Ipsissimus who is trying to get along better with people at work who annoy him. Dr. Burns had an excellent list I had to paraphrase here.
Ten things you should know about anger:
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your own "hot thoughts" and distortions create your anger
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think of the happiest moment of your life. It is nearly impossible to feel anger and joy at the same time - so ask yourself how many minutes of that memory would you be willing to trade for the sour resentment of anger.
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not contain distortions.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust.
5. If look through other's eyes you will realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these situations is an illusion that exists only in your mind. If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your anger will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals. Your rage will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want the short term gains will be counterbalanced by long term resentment and retaliation from the person you are coercing.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self esteem when people criticize, disagree with you or fail to behave the way you want them to. That is always inappropriate anger because only your own distorted thoughts can cause loss of self-esteem.
8.Frustration results from unmet expectations that were unrealistic and therefore could never be met. Change your expectations to be realistic and your anger will not manifest.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. The question isn't having the right - the question is how will you or the world benefit from your anger?
10. You do not need your anger in order to feel human. When your rid yourself of that sour irritability you will feel greater zest, joy, peace and productivity.
Boy, #7 really hit home for me. I've gotten so angry at candidates when I felt they did not respect my time and so did not respect me. But, really, I wasn't respecting myself - I didn't value myself so I was angry that they did not validate my feelings. There was a need to put boundaries on those jobs - but not a need for anger. #4, #5 & 6 all got the Mr. He's started trying to see the reasoning behind people's decisions and questions. He said he still gets irritated - but then he takes it back to his desk, thinks about it and the anger doesn't linger. It's a huge first step and I'm proud of him. Modifying your behavior comes with awareness of how and why it is bad. He might not be able to control it yet - but it is a huge step forward.
I'm really getting a lot out of Feeling Good this time around. I'd let myself swing down into bad patterns of behavior and I'm feeling happy about correcting them. It is a relief to learn, once agian, that others do not control my feelings. That I'm in control, always, and I can learn how to get rid of those distorted thoughts that leave me at the mercy of others.
Okay: on to more rough stuff - The Approval Addiction chapter!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
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