This is what I've been waiting for. B. is gone with the MIL and I am alone in my house for the first time in two and a half months. I just spent the day rearranging the living room furniture - my way of controlling my environment, my solace when I feel my life isn't going the way I want it. It was a pleasant afternoon.
Then I sat down and started getting edgy. There was no one around. No one coming home. All alone. Why was this bothering me so much? I went for a long walk. Listening to a Bonnie Raitt song made me cry (good for the lasik eyes, bad for the walk). Came home and the house was empty. This is what I wanted. What I craved! What was the problem here? One word:
Solitude.
Ahh, yes, this I remember. The real test to see if you are comfortable in your own skin. Any phobias? Find a good crowd to blend in with. Feelings you haven't faced? Call a friend. Painful episodes you don't want to think about? Go to a bar. The raw emotion of solitude isn’t for the faint of heart. Help! Save me from myself!
Because the minute your brain realizes it finally has you alone it will grab you in a stranglehold and say "Here, see this - this has been lurking in the dark recesses of your brain for months now, why the hell is your emotional to-do list full? Get to it!"
Guess I'm not terribly comfortable in my own skin right now. Too much has happened this year that has been left emotional un-dealt with. I haven't had the requisite solitude to sort through what life has been trying to teach me this year and I feel it - in depression, in fears that rise out of nowhere, in an increase in anxiety over small things. Maybe I can use the solitude of the next few days to dig into the murky depths and do some emotional housecleaning.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
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