I am terrified of getting older. No, it isn't what you think. I don't mind the age lines (well, not too much), I don't think that much of losing my fertility or any thing like that. It isn't so much that I'm getting older. It is just that every year I age, my parents get older too.
I am terrified of seeing my parents age. If I'm getting older, so are they. 64 and 65 years old. That used to seem ancient to me - but now I am in denial that it is even considered senior. I want to deny that they are gradually turning into white-haired, wrinkled, frail-looking seniors. That they are, in fact, considered senior citizens now. Dad has always had white hair, with laugh lines around his eyes - so what if they are getting deeper? Mom still has dark brown hair - so what if she's shrunk a little? They'll never look like those men and women I see at the senior center. They'll never look old and wizened like my Grandma is and Grandpa was, right? They'll go on charging through life, obstinately doing everything they darn well please and proving they can, right?
"I see my folks are getting on, and I watch their bodies change. I know they see the same in me and it makes us both feel strange. No matter how you tell yourself, it's what we all go through - those lines are pretty hard t take when their staring back at you. Scared to run out of time" -Bonnie Raitt-
B.'s Dad died this year. This year. Roger will indeed never be old and wizened. We are old enough to have parents who die from age-related diseases. That is new and it horrifies me My Grandpa is dead and my Grandma is faltering. A friend of my Mom told her at the funeral (she had lost her father this year as well) that "We are the older generation now." What does that mean? The next to die, right? I don’t want to think about that. My Mom and I are very close. I can't imagine losing her. I adore my Dad, especially now that he is older and more easy-going. What would I do without my parents?
Oh, I understand, you really don't know. I could get eaten by rampaging wild dogs tomorrow and they could live another thirty years. But the reality is that they have less life left on this earth than I have already lived. And that flew by so fast - I just want to freeze time. Lets just stay right here, right now where my Dad is retired, and they are both relatively happy and healthy and are still my parents. I don't want to go on to the next step, the one where they become old and frail and I step into the role of caretaker and enabler. I have become very aware this year of the mortality of my family and I don't like it a bit. Having my MIL here, expecting me to be her caretaker, has brought that point home to me. My parents, however will be royal pain in the asses when they get really old - all I have to do is look at my stubborn Grandma and Grandpa to see how much they will resist being taken care of. They will not go gently to that good night. And I think that makes me feel better. They will be frailer, they can't help that, our bodies do betray us with time. But they will not become my MIL, they will not become hopeless and dependent - they will continue to be their irascible, pain in the ass, never say you are sick, selves. That gets down to it, doesn't it? I am worried that age will turn my parents into shadows of themselves, that they will become like my MIL, hopeless, dependent, almost parasitic in nature - that they will be leaning on me so much that I will no longer have their support, their love - only their need. But they aren't like that, and never will be. I don't want them to get old, I don't want them to die - but more than that I don't want them to become shadows of themselves because of age. But they've got too much spunk for that and too much angry independence. My Dad is already determined to milk every enjoyment out of retirement. My Mom is still adjusting to her dad's death and the freedom from caring for him that it brings for her - but she is already rallying and going with Dad places. They aren’t going to spend their remaining decades pining away on the couch.
Like Bonnie Raitt sings "When did the choices get so hard, so much more at stake? Life is mighty precious when there is less of it to waste."
Sunday, September 02, 2007
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2 comments:
GIRL, I can't even tell you how loudly and clearly I hear you! Just wait until they start getting replacement parts.
Love and miss you.
Shadow/J
Wow, that was some post. I'm a knucklehead for not catching up sooner.
I will always wonder what it would be like to enjoy my parents as an adult, and reading your post brought that home more than anything. It is a beautiful thing the way you love and enjoy them, and even the way you need them. Don't be fooled into thinking they don't need you too. The way you give and accept love between each other is it's own living thing.
Looking forward to seeing you again soon.
MM
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