I've been told I lack self confidence, that it is what I need to stand up to others, to get my work out to publishers, to live the life I want. I've always pictured that as something external, something you get from others, that you were taught to have by getting affirmation growing up, by getting encouragement and praise at the right time. I've been trying to replace that childhood lack with my own affirmations, to build myself up to confidence - but it is a catch 22 as I have no confidence in my own affirmations.
I've been thinking about it in terms of "I am" in terms of everything I need is right here, inside of me already. That yogic imagery seems to work better for me - that what I need is to strip away the false perceptions because what I need is already here. Theres no need to build it up, there's no need to judge it, there's no need to add something because nothing is missing. I'm not missing self confidence - my self is very confidently there, waiting for me to notice it. It is already there if I get quiet, silence the voices, let it out of the cave and into the light. Its so much more peaceful an image to me - and I really like peace.
I've always thought of myself in terms of what I am lacking - self confidence, courage, assertiveness - the list goes on and on and adding all those things to my life seems so hopeless. It's such a relief to believe that I already have everything I need, inside me. Just need work to uncover it. But it's all there, already. It's like you have this piece of wilderness and you need a house because yours has been condemned and you have nowhere else to go, but you have no money and the amount of money it would take seems impossible to earn. Then someone says, "no, wait - there's a nice house in the center of the property, as a matter of fact it is the perfect house for you - you'll have to do a bit of bushwacking to get to it, and some routine maintenance once you get there - but it's there and it'll suit you perfectly no matter how long it takes to get to it." Suddenly you go from the despair of trying to obtain something you can't even see how to get, to the happiness of holding a pruning knife and trying to figure out where to dig in first to get to the home you own.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
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