Though I know "New Years" is just a construct in our own brains (every day is the start of a new year, after all) and the adoption of a new date to put on our checks - I can't help but be drawn in by the looking back and hooplah. Yeah, I know, I'm a couple days late with this. But heck - this is a start of a new year that will end Jan 4th of next year, so why not?
So, how did things go last year, and what do I want out of this year? Okay, to look at last years goals and how I did: Do more writing - not achieved during most of the year, but finished with a bang with Nanowrimo. Spend less - spent less on fun things, more on health problems. So, I guess I did get my goal - which was to spend less on online retailers. Don't permit people to railroad my emotions - did better, cut off people who constantly wanted to make me as upset and depressed as they were. Practice looking on the bright side - found out it is damned difficult to remain positive when in pain, but Yoga is helping.
Last year was difficult because of health problems, pure and simple. Mine and my pets, I guess you could say. It started out with Bart's destructive urinary problem and Chester's thyroid disease. Then I got another ovarian cyst. Bart became sick again in the spring and there were weeks of pills and pain until I put him to sleep the beginning of June. I'd been having stomach problems all along and this just made them get worse. And the doctors keep saying IBS, though the diagnosis does not fit at all. Fatigue, emotional mood swings, stomach and side pain - all at the worst times. And of course depression - I often felt this year like I just wanted to end everything, sad to say.
Then there was the MIL coming for a month in the middle of a painful period - and the marital problems that and other discourtesies during the year caused. I feel we are still recovering from that. The vacation was difficult because I was so depressed about Bart's death and the MIL coming and because of the health problems that did not allow me to get in as good a shape as I wanted.
Really, the only good I remember at all didn't come until September when we started Yoga. And I became depressed when I pulled my hamstring and couldn't do the vinyasa any more. But the yoga philosophy has been an important one to me. So, 9 months of total shit, three months of moderate good. No wonder 2009 sucked so very much.
What do I want this year?
1. Do more writing. Set lower goals in the winter that I can actually achieve (one page instead of 4 in January). Get that novel edited and sent out. Finish Seeing Shadows, start the second novel and get into Illuminators again.
2. Study more about yoga philosophy. Do more yoga and meditation to understand and really believe that everything I need is right here inside of me; which can help me stop looking to others for approval or affirmation of my worth. Become less attached others and common situations so we can all grow, and so I can accept the deaths of my pets and be able to move on.
3. Practice letting go of anger and irritation as it is happening - recognize the emotions, understand where they are coming from and still stay calm.
4. Become less goal oriented and more "journey" oriented. As stated in the Gita , you have the right to action but not to the fruits of action - you should perform without selfish attachments and be alike in success and defeat. As Gandhi put it "He who is without desire for the result and is yet wholly engrossed in the due fulfillment of the task before him is said to have renounced the fruits of his action."
And all of these are goals, not resolutions. Things to strive towards, not to try to do perfectly from the first. And I will have to put #4 to work in the striving - that striving to do these things with a whole heart is how I should act. If I fail or if I succeed - either way the journey will be worth making.
Monday, January 04, 2010
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