Easy thing to do right? No. You can say it easily to strangers who have no connection to you, no stake in your life. You can say it to partial strangers, though it gets harder when they pull at your heartstrings with causes. People you work with, not so easy because there is an even greater stake - that of respect and career enhancement. People in the dem party - even harder because you connect fully with their causes, can feel the guilt of someone who isn't doing as much. Friends - good lord is it hard to say no. Why? That bond of love, that need for respect and that feeling of helping someone you feel is worth helping. You've chosen them because they are worth taking that extra step for.
Then you get to family. Siblings - how they have a grip on you! They know just what to say to get the guilty juices churning; or to get the sympathetic tears crying. And, if you are lucky, there is that lifelong bond of love that makes you want them to be happy. And of course we are up to Parents. They raised you. They protected you. They love you for who you are while trying to get you to be the best of who you are. In some cases it was pure, amazed, "I can't believe this wonderful person came out of me" love. If you have siblings - it is a little easier - brother or sister can often take on causes you don't feel qualified or any way up to dealing with. The brother plays tennis with dad while you help with insurance letters. To each his or her own strengths.
Why all this silly contemplation over the hierarchy of saying no? My mother-in-law wants to come up and live with us again during prime Florida hurricane season. And we all know how much I enjoyed that last year. And thus we get to the tangible instead of the theoretical. My husband grew up an only child with a very difficult, controlling father. His ally was his mother. His protector was his mother. The person who loved him and still loves him with all her heart - his mother. His father is dead, his mother has mental health problems and he has no siblings to help carry the load.
I am big on family. I am really very close to mine, though they can drive me crazy when all together in a big group. I know that my parents will (and have) drop everything if I have an emergency. I know that I will and have dropped everything to go help them. Ditto with my siblings. And yes, I know just how lucky I am. And I know that having a close family like mine comes with duty - and accept the duties of love with just a few grudging reservations that I get over and do anyway (like family vacations!).
And there is the conundrum. I believe strongly in family. I believe in taking care of my family. Through marriage, my MIL is my family. I can't stand her.
But she and Mr. Ips. are close. She is his mother and thinks he is a thousand times better than sliced bread. She has no one else.
There is no "NO" in this situation. There is compromise - not for nine weeks, for six or seven weeks. That doesn't mean she will get to sit on her ass the whole time like she did last summer. She will be in the guest room this time, not the master bedroom. And we will all be unhappy. But we will still be a family and I will still respect myself.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
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1 comment:
Oyoyoyoyoy. There is that elusive "no"--the wished-for "no," the almost-said "no". I remember having in-laws and parents and wanting at so many times to say no. But, it's nigh on impossible.
Sounds like you have a healthy plan this time, though. And I highly suggest making a trek to The Kent Stage on July 11...you can get your sis to come along too! Just a suggestion for a reasonable distraction!
Cheers on the writing! Wow, you are making tracks!
MM
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