The depression is lingering this year, even with the warmer weather. I'm guessing that I get more physically active in the spring along with the warmer days - and with the severity of this hamstring injury I haven't been able to walk around or jog as I normally would.
The dullness of depression is taking its toll. I am worried about the book edits - worried I can't do them, will never make the grade, don't know my own writing enough to change it. I'm also freaking that my usually manic spring writing frenzy hasn't appeared. I sleep in later and later just trying to postpone having to get up to the monotony of the day.
I know I am lucky not to have a schedule I have to hop to - having all this time. But time can be a real enemy to a right brainer. My brain spins circles around itself and I start a million things in the day and at the end of the day realized I did nothing. I am a poor multi-tasker because I lose myself in one thing and totally lose track of what else I was doing (ask me sometime about the fountain I created out of the kitchen ceiling fan while attempting multi-tasking). I also have an intense attention span. Once triggered, I can get lost forever in what I am doing to the point of not even knowing there is a world outside of myself. Painting projects, home projects, writing projects - once the intensity is triggered I can do in days what would take another person weeks. And I don't do my best work at writing unless that intensity is triggered. Finding the trigger - now that is the puzzle. What makes me sit down and write 15 pages in an evening? What makes me do what I did today - sit and stare at the computer screen for three bloody hours while my imagination was AWOL? How can anyone understand me when I haven't a clue what makes me tick?
Of course, a week ago I couldn't even write this much in my blog - so I suppose the winter dam is unclogging in the river of my imagination.
Perhaps I need to set up a writing schedule that has both editing (and rewriting) The Sandsifters and writing on a second book (either The Illuminated or Sandsifter's sequel). Ugh, I can't make schedules! I never hold myself to them very well. Screw it all, I'm going to throw all my writing in the creek and go work at Krogers.
Monday, April 07, 2008
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2 comments:
I'm right there with you, Ipsissimus. Spring is here but I feel reluctant to leave my cave! I know what you mean about the intensity of focus, losing track of everything else when you are in the zone, and how hard it is to motivate when that intensity isn't there.
Sigh.
I'm so glad you skipped the Krogering gig, Ipsi.
It's terrible, but quietly reassuring, to hear two women I respect so much speak of their own wars with motivation. I wonder where mine has gone most days. Do you suppose there is a secret conspiracy against us, or are we simply afraid of our own success?
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