2007 was everyone else's year. It was dedicated to family, helping those I love deal with death and dealing with death myself. It was taken by candidates I didn't really want to help and causes I didn't really care that much about. It was not for me, as circumstances were almost always out of my control and I rarely stood up for myself.
2008 is mine. I gave the rest of the world 2007. 2008 is mine. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. What interests me, what is my calling? You know, the question of "If you could do anything you want, without worrying about failure, what would it be?" The answer is still the same: I love to write. I love to create characters. I love to plot and plan and wander the worlds of my imagining. Graphic design is interesting, as is webdesign. But I'm not particularly dedicated to it. It is something I feel like I can't fail at, or if I do fail at it I don't particularly care. I don't want to fail at writing to the point where it is intimidating to me - and that tells me a lot. That tells me writing is really, really important. That tells me what I need to be dedicating my life to.
I've given to candidates pretty unconditionally the past four years. My help this year is conditional - it is on my terms. It is on my schedule and I will not be used as a last-minute emergency. I don't give a rat's ass that it is a presidential election year. We're going to have people coming out of the woodwork to help - great, let them do the work the way we did four years ago. I dislike politics just as much now as I did five years ago - familiarity has indeed bred contempt. Especially as I've gotten to know the people who become politicians. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what a friend proposed: going into business in the campaign management, messaging type field. But I dislike the people I'd have to work with. I dislike the messages I'd have to spread. I dislike the panic and the grueling autumn push to the end. Others thrive on such things - but the more I am involved the more I want out.
So I need to claim my time and claim my space and not let myself be used dry. It is good to be needed - I know that is why the campaign stuff is so addictive to me. It feels good to be wanted. After working alone and straggling around trying to figure out what I should be doing next, without any guidance or need for my writing from anyone around me - having a direct need that I can fill quickly and easily is addictive. Instant gratification. There is none of that in writing. None. A novel is never really done. It is never perfect, it is never exactly what my audience wants or needs. I have to resist the siren's call of instant gratification and focus on my long term goal of writing many novels and getting them published.
Monday, January 07, 2008
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3 comments:
Clarity comes in many ways, sometimes knowing what you don't want to do precedes finding out what you do want to do. I'm glad you're figuring out both. I can't wait to read your novels! You go girl!
Love,
Shameless
Found this quote at joebageant.com:
The business of local and state politics is the business of turning virgins into whores. The business of national politics is polishing up whores to look like virgins. Of course some whores are nicer than others, but one does not get to play the back room high stakes game of presidential poker by being idealistic. One comes to the table with a lot of dough, a good cover story and a knife stashed in the boot. And even if you win, the guys running the game still own the country.
What's that saying about lipstick and a pig?
Love,
Shameless
You go, Girl! You really did have a rough year, and losing your writing space for all of those months certainly robbed you of time to devote to your craft.
Please know that I value you for the fabulous person you are; not what you can do for me.
I can't wait 'til you let me read some of your writing!
Much love,
Shadow/J
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