This is a watchful, waiting for the other shoe to drop, sort of year. It is difficult losing one or two people in a year, but losing four has us jumpy and worried. If the phone rings late in the evening, we look at each other. If Mom calls a second time in one day, I feel a tingle of fear before answering. My sister calls to get directions after I'd spoken to her earlier - and I see the number and feel dread. I've watched friends and family going through hell with their spouses and with each other and it adds to the sense of impermanence in my life. The one thing I did for myself this year, that I thought would bring convenience and joy to my life has become an unending nightmare of doctor's visits, headaches and reduced ability to enjoy the world around me.
My life is changing so much I don't know what to expect from month to month. I wonder what will be next - will we lose someone just as unexpected as my father-in-law and his sister were? Will it be the people I love or the pets I cherish? Will I ever again be able to do the work I love without headaches and terrible eyestrain? You really have no way of telling and it colors my Christmas in blues and purples instead of cheery reds and greens. I am going through the motions and it is not enjoyable - just survivable. I am still doing things for everyone else's convenience even though I am suffering with my own depression and pain and I wonder when it is that I'll start saying no and live my life for me. Perhaps that is a Christmas gift and New Year's resolution I need to give to myself.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
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2 comments:
Oh, K! It HAS been a rough year, but the fact that you've survived it with your senses of wit and humor still intact speaks volumes about your depth of character. I hope that the last few days of 2007 pass quietly and usher in great things for 2008.
I leave you with words from Al Purdy, one of my favorite Canadian poets:
"When your face goes flat in the silvered mirror, / Endure, endure if you can, and survive."
Much love,
Shadow/J
Ipsissimus, I think that sounds like a great resolution for the new year!
I'm glad you could come to our Massage Day Christmas party. Gotta love the sugar coma.
Love,
Shameless
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