Went for a walk with the hubbie last night, which was good because I was bursting with pent up irritation. But towards the end of the walk he depressed the hell out of me by saying as a kid he always needed an answer to the question "what do I have to look forward to" before he went to bed, other wise he'd be depressed. But that is a terrible question to ask when you are already a bit depressed, because all you can see is more of the same. What do I have to look forward to right now? 25 years of this - taking care of my MIL until she finally kicks the can. Or divorcing my husband and living below the poverty level if I don't want to get old before my time.
B. said he felt old - and that is exactly what the MIL makes us feel. Dull, old, depressed. As sad as it sounds, being around the MIL is depressing because she does nothing, she affects no change on her environment, she is static, passive, even her voice is slurred and slow - dulled. I've never met someone with less curiosity for the world around her. It is very, very sad. How can you live life without a sense of adventure? How can you be so afraid of the world that you flinch when the phone rings as though you know it won't be someone you want to talk to? She has gone through life attempting to protect herself from every eventuality - you can see it by the way she swaddles herself before she ever walks out the door. For a five minute walk she wears sunscreen, bug spray, a coat, a sun hat, heavy shoes, a knee brace,long pants, and she carries a water bottle. She won't sit out on the picnic table because she got bit by a mosquito the first day she was here. She has spent her whole life in risk-avoidance and she will end up exactly the same way the rest of us will - dead. We all die and no amount of sunscreen or bug spray is going to make us immortal.
My mom pointed out an obituary to me while I was at her house. The 84-year-old woman was on a cruise in Alaska when her heart gave out. "That's the way I want to go," Mom said. "Not in a nursing home at age 95 just waiting to die." Yup, Mom, me too. Taking risks is a part of living our lives. To swaddle yourself up and stay in only your own four walls all your life means you arrive at death never having lived. People tell me that I will never have a full life if I don't have kids, but the MIL proves that having kids doesn't make a full life. A sense of adventure, a willingness to take those chances when they come at you, the ability to see the world as a fascinating and fantastic place with mindboggling diversity - that gives a fulfilled life. The rest is just adding to the wonder.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
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