I am so restless right now I'm jumping out of my skin. Something's in the air - probably just spring but I've vibrating so much I can hardly stay in my seat. I want to go, somewhere, anywhere but where I am right now. I can't focus on anything. I was outside with the pooches and they were sniffing the air and I suddenly realized I was doing the same thing. I stared at the sky and sniffed and realized a half hour had passed and I had no idea what I was thinking or wanting - I was just in the moment trying to understand where I need to be. I don’t like this feeling. I can't focus on a book for more than fifteen minutes, desktop publishing for more than an hour. I'm pacing the house and when I'm not I'm sitting in a chair with a leg vibrating intensely. I feel like I'm in a permanent Benadryl dazed state - unfocused but intense. Scattered but waiting.
I'm turning 36 in a week. I can feel it. Thought I was born without the biological need to have offspring, but it seems to have been latent. I don’t like babies - nasty messy spitting-up vomiting helpless things that they are. When I think of being pregnant and giving birth and having to deal with the vomit and puke and grossness of those helpless creatures (and myself) I shudder and can't imagine anything worse, no, really, I can't. But there is that strange voice of biology that's crept up on me this spring that, after sex, whispers "are you sure you want to take that birth control pill?" That, when I had a mild stomach virus last week, whispered "Maybe you're pregnant; would it really be that bad a thing?"
I gotta say - the voice scares the piss out of me. It is a murky, primordial whisper that catches me off guard, that insinuates itself into my routine. My rational brain is saying "ick, NO!" and it's saying "c'mon, you know you want to, you'll never be whole unless you do." Biology is some scary stuff, man. It isn't often you have to tell your primordial self "Back the hell up!" but I seem to be doing it regularly. I hope I don't have to deal with this until menopause - that could be fifteen years or more.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
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1 comment:
I just love you, K2!
Shadow/J
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